LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: O.J. Simpson is having trouble getting used to the constant friskings, pat downs and people going through his pockets looking for money, says Jay Leno: “He finally told his lawyers, ‘Look, I don’t have any more money, OK? Just leave me alone.’ ”

Leno, on President Clinton saying after the defeat of his crime bill that “criminals are not going to take a vacation”: “That’s true . . . Oliver North is still campaigning, Packwood is working on health care and Rostenkowski is working on a plea bargain.”

With the crime bill’s defeat, Americans now face a marked increase of illegal drug use, accompanied by massive disrespect for authority, with offenders warehoused in overcrowded, unsanitary and inhumane conditions. Says comedy writer Bob Mills: “And that was just Woodstock ’94.”

Comedy writer Buddy Baron, on Joe Cocker, Woodstock’s first “major” act: “Concert-goers welcomed his voice. It made the mosquitoes explode.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on ESPN televising one of Michael Jordan’s minor league games because of the major league strike: “So Michael was right. He once said that someday he would be the biggest star in baseball. Now he is.”

Mills, on three California doctors reprimanded for issuing Elizabeth Taylor too many prescriptions: “Next to be called on the carpet are court clerks, who issued her too many marriage licenses.”

In Florida, two brothers persuaded a dentist to let them cut off his finger so they could share $1.3 million in insurance. When they demanded more money from the dentist, he went to the FBI, and agents arrested the brothers. Says comedy writer Tony Peyser: “I guess he gave them the finger twice.”

Peyser, on a zigzag line of red pigment on the skull of an 10,500-year-old bison found in Oklahoma: “This is either the oldest artwork in North America or the first recorded case of prehistoric tagging.”

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Readers’ one-liners: Stan Kaplan’s plan to topple the Haitian dictators: “Send in the Irvine Co. from Orange County. It’ll condo them to death.”

Sign of the times: I passed a church with a sign that read: “We use reclaimed Baptismal water.” --Joe Kevany

What did the snail say while riding on the back of a turtle? Wheeeeee! --Jim Colonna

What do you call a conservative alcoholic harlot? Lush Bimbaugh . --Gerd Baumer

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Michael Zois of Santa Barbara says that he was walking down the street years ago with his younger brother, Tom, who proudly wore a new football jersey in USC colors with the number 32.

Our neighbor spotted him and said, “O.J. Simpson?”

“Oh no,” Tom replied. “JCPenney!”