Ducks-Kariya Talks Just Like Baseball

They came to the big city to try it again, to see if some kind of accord could be reached in the indefatigable labor dispute that has left tens of thousands of sports fans bitter, disenfranchised and bored beyond tears.

But, no, management refused to budge on the salary cap, labor responded by threatening to sit out the year as a prelude to open free agency in 1995 and the impasse remained intact for at least another week.

Thus, the Paul Kariya holdout enters Day 424.

“Greed, Grief and the Glorious Season That Might Have Been” read the headline on the cover of the national weekly news magazine, pretty much speaking on behalf of all Mighty Ducks fans.

So, too, did the screaming red headline on the pages inside: “We Was Robbed!”

Yes, that seems to be the consensus of the fantasy hockey-league reports you see popping up in various sports sections across the country. These reports have been the most bizarre offshoot of the Kariya work stoppage--a couple of frazzled editors, desperate to fill space in lieu of real Kariya news, buy a PC software program (or break out the old Strat-o-Matic board) and play phony games and print the phony results where the actual NHL roundups used to run.

According to the dice rollers and the keyboard hackers, Kariya not only signed with the fantasy Ducks last March, but led them into the fantasy Stanley Cup playoffs, ahead of the fantasy San Jose Sharks. There, Kariya led the fantasy Ducks over the fantasy Red Wings in the first round, the fantasy Maple Leafs in the quarterfinals and extended the fantasy Canucks to seven games and three overtime periods--before Stu Grimson took a feed from Kariya and mistakenly slapped it into his own net.

These reports were intended to appease deprived and despondent Ducks fans, but instead only serve to incite them over what might have been.

One irate season-ticket holder has threatened legal action. “According to the brochure I received in the mail,” the fan writes in his complaint, “I was promised ‘exciting, action-packed hockey at The Pond.’ You call 60 minutes of dump-and-chase and Todd Ewen rear-ending one off the post for the only goal of the game ‘exciting?’ I want my money back.

“Either that or the box next to Eisner’s.”

Another group of angry boosters organized a protest rally in The Pond parking lot, determined to boycott something. But what?

Not Ducks home games, it was decided. Everyone present seemed to have already purchased season tickets--and have you seen what those are going for these days?

Ducks merchandise? Sorry. Christmas is coming.

After much debate, and a very close vote by show of hands, it was determined that these fans would boycott valet parking at all Duck home games next season.

The stalemate has dominated sports talk shows for weeks. Among hockey analysts, division over the issue runs deep.

John Davidson: “Management is out of line when it says it wants to cap Kariya’s salary at $1.5 million or whatever. Just because Tverdovsky crossed the picket line and signed for. . .”

Don Cherry: “The kid’s too small and he can’t hit anybody. He couldn’t play for me. Let him walk.”

Davidson: “But Kariya led Canada to the silver medal against Sweden and the world championship over Finland.”

Cherry: “Scandinavians are wimps.”

Davidson: “Of course, the fans only want to see Kariya on the ice again. They don’t care how it gets done. They say both sides are to blame. They say both sides are too greedy.”

Cherry: “I say let’s watch that tape of McSorley cleaning Probert’s clock again.”

Local businesses have suffered as well.

Crates of Paul Kariya bobble-head dolls, Paul Kariya purple-and-green jerseys and Paul Kariya ceramic cappuccino mugs remain on dusty warehouse shelves, unopened and unsold.

The camera crew for “The Paul Kariya Mighty Ducks Pre-Game Hour” had to find second jobs.

The Pond, struggling to fill the Kariya gap in recent weeks, has been forced to schedule indoor soccer matches, roller hockey games and Whitney Houston concerts to make ends meet.

Fans eager for a fix are resorting to dire measures. Bootleg tapes of Kariya in action with the University of Maine and the Canadian national team have become an underground rage. Viewing can be hazardous, however. There are isolated reports of Mighty Ducks fans passing out in front of the living-room big screen at the sight of Kariya picking up the puck in his own end and carrying it across all three lines without falling down once.

In the meantime, the logjam continues, with each side dead set on breaking the will of the other and the fans apparently set on going Kariya-less on into September.

And Ken Burns has indefinitely shelved plans for his third PBS maxi-series, “Mighty Duck Hockey: The Kariya Years.”

* KARIYA WATCH: Ducks’ draftee Paul Kariya waits for another offer while exploring a technicality. C4