LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: David Letterman, on the presidential candidacy of Dan Quayle: “He said that if he loses in ‘96, he’s going to try again in ’97.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Quayle’s candidacy: “Right now he’s busy raising money for his vice presidential library in Huntington, Ind. It’s a four-story building but, in Quayle’s honor, the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top.”

Jay Leno, on the issue of salary caps: “I guess O.J. wants it, but his lawyers don’t.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the court ruling that permits women to go topless on New York’s subways: “The judge also ordered that on cars with more than six topless women, there must be a two-drink minimum.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the Air Quality Management District’s proposed crackdown on restaurant emissions caused by fried foods: “Police officials have already notified the agency that officers will refuse to enforce any action against doughnut shops.”

Mills, on the Navy retirement pensions awarded Brennan and Olive, the underwater reconnaissance dolphins: “They’ll each get 750 squid a month.”

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Celebrity potpourri: Letterman, on Rush Limbaugh: “Earlier today, the New York City Police Department announced that if, God forbid, something bad should happen to Rush Limbaugh, they would not have enough chalk for a full body outline.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Playboy magazine’s 40th anniversary: “Hugh Hefner can’t recall the original centerfolds. He’s not too good with faces.”

In a recent Amtrak survey, 1,000 men chose Cindy Crawford as the celebrity with whom they would most like to travel. In a related survey, says comedy writer Mark Miller, 1,000 women chose a rolling pin as the kitchen implement they’d likely use if they found their husbands traveling with Cindy Crawford.

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An old man went into a Catholic Church, entered a confessional and said to the priest: “Father, I’m 77 years old, I’ve been a happily married man for more than 50 years and I’ve never been unfaithful. But yesterday, I made mad, passionate love repeatedly to a couple of young, gorgeous women.”

“When was your last confession?” the priest asked. The old man said, “Never.” The puzzled priest replied, “Then why did you come to confession to tell me this?”

“Because,” said the old man, “I’m telling everybody.”

--Hank Kovell, Beverly Hills

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When his older son was 10, Ben Hoffman of Monterey Park decided it was time for a talk about sex. As Hoffman went from one bit of information to the next, the boy looked increasingly upset.

When I got down to the most detailed part about women, he looked up at me pleadingly and said: “Dad, I don’t know why you are telling me all this. I just want to be a baseball player.”