Unmarried, Happy--and Not Alone : Poll: Meeting others like themselves is easy, finding a mate isn’t, say respondents, most of whom hope to wed. Looks and wealth are still main attractions.

Life is good, said Michael, 28, who was eating alone and reading a book at a Costa Mesa coffee shop.

A good job. A new car. An apartment in Newport Beach. A devoted cat. No wife or ex-wife. Enough girlfriends, but none of the serious kind, he said. Marriage can wait, maybe forever.

Michael is one of the estimated 838,000 single adults in Orange County, a group that is edging close to half of the total adult population. Two-thirds are white and not yet 40 years old. More than half have attended college, but in 1990 only four in 10 had an income over $20,000. Women slightly outnumbered men.

A recent Times Orange County Poll on the attitudes and lifestyles of unmarried residents found that the vast majority of singles, like Michael, say they are happy with their lot. But unlike Michael, most of the 500 singles adults interviewed in the random telephone survey in late June said they want to forsake the single life and marry. In Orange County, meeting people is easy, they said, but finding the right mate is hard.

The poll conducted by Mark Baldassare and Associates also found that:

* There are few playboys out there. Two out of three single men who were dating described themselves as monogamous; with women, it was more than three-quarters.

* Good looks and wealth seem to be the important dating assets that stereotypes say they are.

* Although singles are more satisfied with their leisure time than adults in general, they are much less satisfied with their love lives.

“The love life ratings of singles are tied to the reality that only half are now dating,” Baldassare said. “Unmarried women tend to be more satisfied than men.”

THE PLAYBOY MYTH

Belying the image of the swinging single who disdains marriage to date a number of girlfriends, nearly half of all single men described themselves as monogamous and four in 10 as celibate. Only 15% of men (and 4% of women) reported dating more than one partner at a time.

“The playboy was a myth,” said sociologist Jerome Kirk, professor emeritus at UC Irvine. “The sexually active person taking on all comers may have been a bit of a folk hero 25 years ago, but it wasn’t emotionally very satisfying. So I think the pendulum has gone back the other way.”

Nowadays in Orange County, about half of all singles are dating, but enthusiasm or opportunity declines with age. Only a third of the middle-aged singles were dating, only a fourth of the oldest singles.

“I get all the female attention I need,” said Arthur, a Laguna Hills Leisure World resident who would give his age, 73, but not his last name.

“There are a lot more widows than widowers here. But I don’t go out on dates. Mostly, it’s just hanging around with friends, men and women.”

The middle-aged group appeared to be the most frustrated. About four in 10 wanted to date but did not. About half said they were celibate. More than half of the 55-and-over singles said they were no longer interested in dating.

“There are a much larger number of elderly women living alone than a generation ago,” said Andrew Cherlin, a Johns Hopkins University sociologist. Women still tend to outlive men, but few widows nowadays seek shelter with relatives, he said.

“The most common living arrangement for women over 60 is living by themselves. They don’t want to live with their children, but they want to live nearby. Most elderly people are happy to live independent lives. It’s a mistake to think they are unhappy.”

THE EMBLEMS OF ATTRACTION

The great majority of singles say they believe in “true love,” would like be married and find it easy to meet other singles like themselves in Orange County. So why do fewer than four in 10 have a serious romance underway?

“What kind of spouse are they looking for?” said Frances Goldsheider, a demographer at Brown University. “If their standards are so impossibly high, they will remain single.”

“It’s somewhat depressing,” said Jim Gollner, 39, of Yorba Linda, now divorced. “Women want to check your financial statement. When I date we go out in my old truck, and it ends with one date. A couple girls said they were looking for a Clint Eastwood type. Back when I was young, you could meet someone and go to dinner and it wasn’t a big thing. Now to go to dinner almost takes a commitment.”

Poll results reflect the conflict. Two-thirds of singles said most singles they meet are most interested in looks. More than half said most are interested in material wealth.

Yet when asked about their own priorities, singles put these two factors at the bottom of the list. About seven in 10 said a fun-loving, outgoing personality and shared values are very important and about six in 10 listed intelligence as well. Women sought shared values and intelligence more than men did.

However, the old stereotypes still seem to persist. Men are more likely than women to admit that looks are at least somewhat important, and women place relatively more emphasis on wealth.

“The emblems of good looks and wealth are powerful, that’s undeniable,” said Paul B. Whittemore, a Newport Beach psychologist who counsels dating singles. “They are not the whole story, but they are what get you noticed.

“There tends to be a deep program in men and women to try to get the best that they can. Women, for example. For a billion years, females have been programmed by evolution to seek out the strongest mate with greatest resources--the best nest.”

RANKING LOVE LIVES

Two-thirds of all singles rated Orange County an excellent or good place to be. Those polled singled out Newport Beach and Huntington Beach most often as the best place for singles to live.

“You got clubs, you got surfing, you got sports, you got the sun,” said Dennis Muelgo, 23, of Westminster, a hotel concierge. “Put it this way: I can go surfing in the morning, skiing in the afternoon, and come back and be at several clubs of my choice. And the restaurants with ocean views. It’s just got the night life. All of the above, you know?”

Few singles said they felt outside the mainstream in a county that grew up primarily as a suburban refuge for families.

Being single seems to have little effect on satisfaction when it comes to making a living.

Singles rated their work the same as all adults in a Times Orange County Poll last year, with about four in 10 saying they are highly satisfied. And in both groups, about a quarter are very satisfied with their finances.

They parted ways, however, when it came to leisure and love.

Singles as a whole were significantly more satisfied with their leisure time. Nearly half rated theirs very satisfactory compared to four in 10 of all adults.

The exceptions are single parents raising children, like Terry Green, 40, of Lake Forest. Leisure time? What leisure time? “When you have young children, you don’t want to leave them home at night,” she said. “During the school year, there’s a lot of homework. If you are going to be the kind of parent you want to be, it’s a pretty hard situation to get out. You have to put that on the back burner.”

But the love life of singles appears to be far less gratifying. While nearly six in 10 adults in general rated their love lives “very satisfactory,” fewer than four in 10 singles made that claim.

“These self-reports of happiness have two explanations, and both seem to be partially correct,” said Norval Glenn, professor of sociology at the University of Texas at Austin. “First, people who are happy and well adjusted are more likely to marry and stay married. And second, a good marriage tends to make a contribution to one’s well-being.”

A fourth of all singles polled said they were just plain “not satisfied” with their love lives.

“Say you go to pick someone up at the local places,” Gollner said. “There’s lots of people there, but I don’t know, when you look around, it’s not people you want to date, introduce to your son, things like that.

“So you throw up your hands and say, ‘Someday I’ll run into someone,’ and you leave it like that.”

TODAY: Though most are satisfied with single life, they’d trade it for that ideal mate.

MONDAY: From picking up the tab to interracial relationships, the dating rules are changing.

TUESDAY: Abundant activities help O.C. attract young, middle-aged and senior singles.

TIMES ORANGE COUNTY POLL; Singles: Leisure, Love, Self-Reliance

Single people in Orange County give high ratings to the quality of their leisure time, and most say they are satisfied with their work and careers. They believe in “true love” but agree overwhelmingly that the qualities they want in an ideal mate are hard to find.

How satisfied are you currently with each of these features of your life?

Very Somewhat Not satisfied satisfied satisfied Leisure time 48% 42% 10% Work and career 43% 35% 22% Love life 38% 38% 24% Financial security 28% 50% 22%

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Is it easy or hard to find the person with the qualities you want in an ideal mate?

Total Men Women Easy 23% 25% 21% Hard 72% 71% 74% Don’t know 5% 4% 5%

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Do you think there is such a thing as true love, or not?

Total Men Women Yes 85% 83% 87% No 12% 14% 10% Don’t know 3% 3% 3%

Source: Times Orange County Poll

Dating Is Fun, But Commitment Harder to Find

Sometimes awkward because of changing sex roles, sometimes reluctant to commit to relationships, Orange County’s singles still say they enjoy the dating game. Most of the unmarried people they meet, however, seem interested mainly in looks and wealth. Slightly more women than men say they enjoy the quality of their leisure time, work and love lives.

Most of the unmarried people I meet in Orange County:

. . . are interested mainly in a person’s looks when choosing romantic relationships:

Total Men Women Agree 68% 66% 69% Disagree 24% 27% 21% Don’t know 8% 7% 10%

. . . are interested mainly in a person’s material wealth when choosing romantic relationships:

Total Men Women Agree 56% 59% 54% Disagree 36% 34% 36% Don’t know 8% 6% 10%

. . . feel awkward about how to act in relationships because of changing men’s and women’s roles:

Total Men Women Agree 53% 53% 53% Disagree 40% 39% 40% Don’t know 7% 8% 7%

. . . are unwilling to commit to long-term relationships:

Total Men Women Agree 45% 44% 47% Disagree 40% 42% 38% Don’t know 15% 14% 15%

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Asked of those currently dating or interested in dating: Would you describe yourself as someone who likes or dislikes dating?

Total Men Women Like a lot 47% 51% 43% Like somewhat 36% 37% 35% Dislike somewhat 14% 11% 16% Dislike a lot 3% 1% 6%

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In thinking about the qualities of your ideal mate, how important is it that he or she is:

Very Somewhat Not important important important Fun-loving and outgoing 70% 27% 3% Shares your values 69% 26% 5% Intelligent 60% 36% 4% Physically attractive 16% 58% 26% Financially well-off 7% 46% 47%

Percent saying “very important”:

Total Men Women Fun-loving and outgoing 70% 68% 72% Shares your values 69% 55% 83% Intelligent 60% 52% 68% Percent saying “important”: Physically attractive 74% 80% 68% Financially well-off 53% 40% 67%

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How satisfied are you currently with each of these features of your life? Percent saying “very satisfied”

All Single Single All singles men women adults* Leisure time 48% 45% 51% 42% Work and career 43% 39% 47% 46% Love life 38% 33% 43% 59% Financial security 28% 30% 26% 25%

* 1993 Times Orange County Poll

Note: Results may not add to 100% because of rounding

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Profile of Orange County’s Singles

The typical Orange County singles, according to the U.S. Census, are white, in their 20s and 30s, have attended college and in 1990 were making less than $20,000 a year.

Individual income Less than $20,000: 61% $20,000-$39,999: 27% $40,000-$59,999: 8% $60,000-$79,999: 2% $80,000 and more: 2% Age 18-21 years: 18% 22-39: 48% 40-64: 21% 65 and older: 13% Education Less than high school: 23% High school graduate: 22% College, no degree: 28% Associate degree: 8% Bachelor’s degree: 14% Advanced, professional degree: 5% Ethnicity White: 68% Latino: 21% Asian: 8% Black: 2% Other: 1% Sex Men: 49% Women: 51% Occupation Executive, manager, professional: 20% Have never worked: 17% Administrative support: 16% Technical, sales: 15% Precision production, operators, laborers: 13% Services: 11% Other: 8% Source: Times Orange County Poll; U.S. Census

How This Poll Was Conducted

The Times Orange County Poll was conducted by Mark Baldassare and Associates. The telephone survey of 500 unmarried Orange County adult residents was conducted from June 22 to 26 on weekday nights and weekend days using a computer-generated random sample of telephone numbers. The margin of error for the total sample is plus or minus 4.5 percentage points at the 95% confidence level. That means it is 95% certain that the results are within 4.5 percentage points of what they would be if every unmarried adult resident in the county were interviewed. For subgroups, the margin of error would be higher. All respondents were guaranteed anonymity; however, some of those polled agreed to be re-interviewed for the stories.