Losing to Rams Might Be Too Hot for Andre

Downey’s California:

* Question: What do Darryl Henley and the Rams have in common?

Answer: They’re both a threat to flee.

* Once upon a time, an unhappy rapper got sore at her boyfriend Andre Rison and burned down his house. Andre is also the football player who “guaranteed” that his team would defeat the Rams in today’s game at Atlanta.

All I want to say here is, I have no idea what Andre did to get his girlfriend hot enough to burn his house down, but whatever it was, wouldn’t losing to the Rams be worse?

* Speaking of guys named Andre, this is just a hunch on my part, but I’m betting Brooke Shields has never burned down Andre Agassi’s house and never will.

* Q.: What do Muhammad Ali and Napoleon McCallum have in common?

A.: They both got clobbered by Ken Norton.

* Welcome to today’s football game at the Coliseum, L.A.’s $60-million fixer-upper.

* It’s the Seattle Seahawks, whose roof caved in, against the Raiders, whose floor caved in. Players will be penalized 15 yards for standing in a doorway.

* The concession stands could make a fortune selling popcorn, hot dogs and life insurance.

* People complained that the Coliseum looks exactly the same as before. What did you expect, shag carpeting?

* Everybody’s talking about the big quarterback battle on TV today. Personally, I didn’t feel Chris Miller vs. Jeff George was that big a deal.

* The bad news is that Fox TV is blacking out Joe Montana and Kansas City vs. Steve Young and San Francisco today in the Los Angeles area. The good news is that they’re running “The Best of NFL on Fox,” with highlights of every football game televised on Fox to date.

* I’m predicting 49ers 24, Chiefs 23 on a pass by Young to himself.

* Hank Williams, Jr. asked before last Monday night’s NFL game: “Are you ready for some football?” Yeah, Hank. I still am.

* Trivia question: Name six Seattle Seahawks.

* Hot rumor is that Fox management is demanding that Jimmy Johnson, Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long settle on one hairstyle and, dammit, stick with it.

* My biggest fear is that the Buffalo Bills go 0-16 this season and still make the Super Bowl.

* Too bad Sterling Sharpe of the Green Bay Packers isn’t speaking to the press. There are so many things I want to ask him.

* With their final offer, the baseball owners told the players that what they want most is 1. a salary cap; 2. owner trading cards; 3. visitation rights with any player in prison.

* Boy, I really miss the Dodgers. Tell me their names again.

* I’m planning to watch all of Ken Burns’ baseball documentary on PBS except for the first nine hours.

* Vision in my mind: George Steinbrenner, Jerry Reinsdorf and Gene Autry on a picket line, carrying a sign: WILL OWN FOR FOOD.

* Sportswriters don’t have a salary cap. With us, it’s more like a salary beanie.

* The NCAA penalizes football players for celebrating after a touchdown. The NCAA would penalize children for finding eggs on Easter.

* Trivia answer: I’m sorry, nobody can name six Seattle Seahawks.

* George Foreman is thinking about a big John Daly fight for next spring.

* If we ask real nice, maybe Fox will black out that O.J. Simpson movie in our area.

* Hey, first time I ever looked at a USC-Penn State game as a Rose Bowl preview.

* I went to see that movie “Andre.” Turned out it was about a tennis-playing seal whose girlfriend burned down his aquarium.