LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Among David Letterman’s Top 10 signs that President Clinton is well rested:

* Flip-flops much faster on foreign policy.

* His doughy white thighs have a blush of pink to them now.

* Already finished with his ’96 concession speech.

* Doesn’t tire carrying around giant lunch box.

* He’s giving Bob Dole both fingers now.

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on Sen. Bob Packwood’s 62nd birthday, Sunday: “In a touching display of affection, each of the women he’s sexually harassed chipped in and got him a gold-plated restraining order.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills reports that when Dan Quayle was asked why he considers “family values” so important, the ex-veep replied: “It’s very valuable to be born into a rich one.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on news that the average adult has put on eight pounds since 1980: “What do you say to someone who’s gained weight because of all his bad habits? Nice to see you, Mr. President .”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Sen. George Mitchell’s health plan: “The medical coverage is about what you’d expect from a compromise. If you lose an arm or leg, two guys from Washington will come out and help you look for it.”

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Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on reports of rifts between O.J. lawyers Johnnie Cochran and Robert Shapiro: “The first signs came at a recent press conference, where the two men stood next to each other both wearing ‘I’m With Stupid’ T-shirts.”

After a private screening of “Quiz Show,” a new movie about his large role in the 1950s game show scandals, Charles Van Doren called it “terrific . . . a top contender at Oscar time.” Peyser reports that “he later admitted he hadn’t seen the movie, was paid by the producers to praise it and was given answers to reporters’ questions beforehand.”

Ray, on scientists showing videos of mating apes to two gorillas to help them procreate: “Results are mixed. They are not interested in each other, but they both know how to work the VCR’s rewind.”

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Reader file: Royal Caribbean is announcing the new “Dr. Seuss Cruise” to Mexico. The all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet features green eggs and ham.

--David Martin, Costa Mesa

A very old joke from Sherwin M. Olken of L.A.:

A guy goes to the doctor complaining that every time he sneezes, he has an orgasm.

“That’s terrible,” says the doc. “What are you taking for it?”

“Pollen,” the man replies.

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Reader Charles Hillinger of Rancho Palos Verdes says that after an extensive medical exam, his doctor pronounced him in tiptop shape. “Great,” he replied, “but what if I fall over dead of a heart attack as I leave your office?”

The doctor laughed: “We’ll turn you around and make it look like you were coming instead of going.”