Would-Be Star of Studio Tour Tells It Like It Is : Universal City TV writer was disillusioned when he found that visitors don’t really learn what it’s like behind the scenes. There are a few things he’d like them to know.

Although I’ve worked at Universal Studios since 1987 devising ideas for comedies such as “Major Dad,” I’ve never taken the Universal tour. Recently, a writer’s curiosity, combined with an overpowering desire to avoid working, impelled me to seek answers to suddenly burning questions: What did they tell them on the tour? What backstage secrets did they reveal? Did they mention my name?

Before moving on, let’s address the unusual situation of working at a place that has a tour running through it. I imagine many professionals might balk at such a distracting arrangement. Surgeons, for example, would be unlikely to permit a tour to come rolling through their operating theaters, led by a bubbly young guide chirping: “We’re in luck today--it’s a transplant.”

I actually enjoy working in a Tour Zone. And I take my involvement very seriously. When I’m on the back lot and a tram goes by, I realize I’m not just a writer anymore: I’m part of the tour. That’s why I never venture out of my office without a pen, a yellow legal pad, and a distracted look on my face that says, “I’m thinking.” (True story: One time I actually was thinking and walked right into the side of a tram. A guy taped it.)

I sensed the folks on the tour envied me; at least I hoped they did. But the only way to be certain was to take the tour myself, and sit in the Envy Seat.

Let’s get this out of the way first: the tour guide never mentioned my name once. And even if she had, it wouldn’t have mattered, since except for my secretary who accompanied me, almost no one on my tram spoke English.

Actually, what’s labeled the Universal tour is basically a first-rate Special Effects display, offering simulated reproductions of natural disasters: avalanche, earthquake, shark attack and a near-death experience, courtesy of a giant gorilla. It was all very impressive, especially the earthquake, which had me rattling around my seat going, “I remember this.”

As far as witnessing actual movie making, at one point we were told they were filming a scene from “Murder, She Wrote” up ahead, and that Angela Lansbury herself was involved. Suddenly, dozens of video cameras swung into action, covering a cluster of far-away actors, though from where we were, you’d need the Mount Palomar telescope to see which, if any of them, was Angela Lansbury.

My fellow tramsters seemed really to enjoy themselves, but to me the tour was something of a disappointment. Though highly entertaining and immensely successful, the tour has nothing to do with the day-to-day workings of show business as I know it. I mean, isn’t that what people want, to go behind the scenes and find out what it’s really like?

With that in mind, I imagined what a real studio tour might include:

“SLEEPING BEAUTIES”--A visit to the Writers’ Building, creative hub of the studio, where you can actually observe blocked writers taking idea-inspiring naps.

“HIGH PRIORITIES”--Overhear an ambitious, young, serious co-star telling the show’s overworked producer: “It’s not that I want more lines; it’s just that for my character to be fully realized, he has to have more to say.” Then follow the beleaguered producer as he handles an impassioned demand by the star of the show for a bigger Winnebago.

“TOUGH CHOICES”--Sit in as high-level executives, hearing a production is running millions of dollars over budget, react decisively by drafting a memo requiring everyone on the lot to pay for their own bottled water.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Imagine going back home and astounding your friends with little-known insider facts, like “show business success is measured less by accomplishments than the length of the walk from your office to your car.” Tell the truth--isn’t that more exciting than being sprayed with water by a mechanical fish?