Everything You Wanted to Know

Tonight, on Part XXXIV of Ken Barbie’s stimulating 888 1/2-hour public television documentary, “Baseball: My Religion, My Life,” we bring you never-before-seen film footage of Babe Ruth at age 2, the potty-training years, plus an exclusive look at Marilyn Monroe’s marriage to Joe DiMaggio and why she always made him wear pajamas.

Also, stay tuned for dramatic previews of next week’s series conclusion, when Ken explains why a baseball dugout is a metaphor for Oedipal transference symptomatic of typical childlike psychoses, plus: Chlorophyll: How It Makes Grass Turn Green.

Previously on “Baseball: My Religion, My Life:”

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PARTS I-III--Abner Doubleday, the manic-depressive years. . . . Man’s discovery of dirt. . . Sept. 30, 1844: A Louisville woodcarver whittles the very first bat. . . . The Cincinnati Red Stockings: “Weren’t they really burgundy?” . . . The secret diary of Frances Scott Key: “I wrote this crappy song that makes no sense, and the suckers keep singing it!” . . . Exactly whose award did Cy Young win? . . . The day Ty Cobb killed 52 people after robbing a dry-goods store. . . . From cesspool to whirlpool: The installation of baseball’s first indoor plumbing. . . . Samuel B. Ondeck invents the Ondeck circle. . . . The knothole and its significance to baseball. . . . What they wore before athletic supporters and cups. . . . Eli Whitney III invents cotton candy. . . . “The Flannel Years: Boy, Did We Ever Itch.” . . . Explorers discover land west of St. Louis. . . . 1908: A woman tries to sneak into a ballpark and is burned at the stake. . . . Babe Ruth finds fungus between his toes.

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PARTS IV-VIII--Some planter in Georgia salts the first peanut. . . . Judge Landis scolds California reporter for sending inaccurate Western Union telegrams. . . . Documented evidence that the “Black Sox” did not fix the World Series with gamblers, but in reality simply stunk up the field with rotten play. . . . Al Capone’s secret vault of baseball souvenirs. . . . The 1927 New York Yankees: Eight of Them Were Drag Queens! . . . The night Frank (Black Lung) Baker swallowed his tobacco. . . . Second base: Its ironic parallels to men and women dating. . . . Lou Gehrig spills soup in Columbia University cafeteria. . . . The first cleated shoe. . . . Catcher Moe Berg tells Adolf Hitler which Washington Senators are for sale. . . . In vintage Disney cartoon, pitcher Mickey Mouse uses three-fingered fastball. . . . Philadelphia physician diagnoses baseball’s first groin pull. . . . Babe Ruth promises not to get stinking drunk for sick kid in hospital.

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PARTS IX-XIV--Organ music: Its origins and its link to Satanic cults. . . . A rare look at polo played in the Baseball Grounds. . . . World War II and why baseball was a whole lot more important. . . . George Patton slaps a shortstop. . . . An amazed Branch Rickey signs up Jackie Robinson before meeting him, says later: “Wow, all I knew is that he went to UCLA.” . . . Unusual footage of Ted Williams being nice to somebody. . . . As his hitting streak continues, Joe DiMaggio browses through department stores looking for the perfect coffee-maker. . . . A special chest protector designed by Howard Hughes is rejected after making umpires remarkably voluptuous. . . . Cleveland officials say: “We’ll put some grinning Indian on the cap. Who’ll care?” . . . Shaving-cream executives are shocked to discover that Jackie Robinson, Roy Campanella and others all have beards, just like regular guys. . . . Train travel, groupies and the introduction of the Sea Level Club. . . . Babe Ruth auditions for title role in: “The William Bendix Story.” . . . Our Friend the Rosin Bag.

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PARTS XV-XX--The hidden letters of Walter O’Malley: “I am having second thoughts. The people out there are so odd. They leave the game in the seventh inning. They never wear a necktie. They say ‘Ciao, ‘ even though they aren’t Italian. I’m beginning to think this is a huge mistake.” . . . Home movies of Willie Mays taking a nap. . . . A special 60-minute segment: The Greatest Groundskeepers Ever. . . . The plot to kill Fidel Castro with poisoned baseball-card bubblegum. . . . Which players slid the funniest. . . . Award-winning writer George Will analyzes why Bill Mazeroski’s home run compares to Julius Caesar’s and Napoleon Bonaparte’s contributions to world civilization. . . . A humorous look at Vaseline and how pitchers use it. . . . Mickey Mantle: Was He Really Left-Handed? . . . Early reminiscences of Early Wynn. . . . Why they don’t rake the infield more often. . . . “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” played backward turns out to be: “Babe Is Dead, Babe Is Dead.” . . . How to scrape the rust off a turnstile.

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PARTS XXI-XVII--Petey Rose, age 6: Gambling on T-ball games. . . . Baseball’s growing love affair with polyester. . . . Animal activists and their protests over abuse of cow and horse hides. . . . The Seventies: Hippie resentment over refusal by stadium owners to reserve special grass-smoking sections. . . . More of the poetry of Yogi Berra. . . . Funny animals that have run out onto baseball fields. . . . Ken interviews other experts in attempt to pad baseball documentary by several additional hours. . . . Luis Tiant takes a shower while smoking a cigar. . . . The real reason grown men allow themselves to be called Whitey. . . . A look back at the humorous anecdotes of Hank Aaron. . . . Why cricket will never be as spiritual as baseball if the English live to be a thousand. . . . Reggie Jackson, man or myth? . . . American women explain why baseball players would rather swing away than sacrifice. . . . Bill Lee makes pancakes. . . . Babe Ruth, still dead after all these years. . . . Baseball players name the state capitals.

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PARTS XIX-XXXIII--Ken compares baseball with War of 1812. . . . Ken contrasts baseball’s heroes with early cave people. . . . Ken goes into baseball clubhouse bathrooms, checks faucets for leaks. . . . Ken brings in Bob Saget to show funny videos of children whacking fathers with plastic bats, right where it hurts. . . . Ken wonders why more Eskimos don’t play baseball. . . . Ken relates favorite World Series experiences to cloistered monks who have never been to a baseball game. . . . Ken theorizes what baseball must be like on Saturn and Neptune. . . . Spirit of Babe Ruth tells psychic to tell Ken to give it a rest.