LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills on Arianna Huffington’s ties to the Movement for Spiritual Awareness cult: “Nancy Reagan wishes Arianna was into something more scientific--like astrology.”

Mills adds that it’s now official: “Mike Huffington has spent more money buying a seat in Congress than Dan Rostenkowski has taken while sitting in his.”

Jay Leno, on Oliver North’s candidacy for U.S. Senate: “North said that when he raised his hand before Congress, he promised to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. The problem is, Ollie thinks those are three different things.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on HUD Secretary Henry Cisneros saying he won’t resign over a federal inquiry into payments he made to an ex-mistress: “He told reporters that he couldn’t leave now; he just got Mike Espy’s Super Bowl tickets.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Cisneros: “He didn’t tell the FBI he paid the woman $4,000 a month. Clinton was shocked to hear about it; where he comes from, $4,000 a month will keep a woman quiet.”

Hamilton, on Republican lawmakers signing the party’s Contract With America, which promises tax cuts, term limits and a balanced budget: “Actually, they didn’t sign anything. They just rubbed a lamp.”

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Mark Miller, on word the Postal Service will accept credit cards at all 33,000 branches by the end of 1996: “This apparently is the answer to the frequent question: ‘Is there any way the Postal Service could possibly get slower?’ ”

Peyser, on the Nashville judge who got a 30-day suspension for buying panties for female employees on Valentine’s Day: “Donald A. Meyer admitted to a lapse in judgment, then added that this year he would buy each woman a Wonderbra.”

Comedy writer Steve Brasfield wonders about Contra Costa County psychologists offering three hours of free psychotherapy if you turn in a handgun: “If the therapy doesn’t work, do you get your gun back?”

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Sports shorts: Kathie Lee Gifford will sing the National Anthem at the next Super Bowl. Regis plans to get there early and pass out free earplugs.

--Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness

When Major League Baseball officially resumes, Bob Shapiro will throw out the first evidence.

--Stan Kaplan

Did you hear about CBS’ new magazine show about professional sports? It’s called “Rescue 9-1-1.”

--Alan Ray

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When she moved, Carol Jost of L.A. got help from her two grandsons. She paid each $20, and while Ryan, 13, thanked her, Kyle, 7, took the money without a word. When his dad asked if Kyle didn’t have something to say to his grandmother, he wiped sweat from his forehead and earnestly replied:

“Don’t move again, Grandma.”