That’s One Down . . . Only 11 More to Go

Downey’s California:

--Raider quarterback Jeff Hostetler says, “I never read the papers and I never listen to the news.” Good. That’s one O.J. juror down and 11 to go.

--The quarterbacks from Houston have names like Bucky and Cody. Where do they find these varmints, in Tombstone or Dodge City?

--Dallas has tougher quarterbacks whose names are Troy and Rodney.

--I even remember back when quarterbacks had names like Fran.

--Robert Bailey’s 103-yard runback for the Rams was the weirdest football play I have ever seen not involving the Stanford band.

--The Stanford band at halftime of the USC game did a “tribute to O.J. and Nicole.” May your horns and drums and reeds burn in hell.

--Charles Barkley says that as an actor, he is “part Yul Brynner and part Denzel Washington.” I am trying very hard to picture Charles as either the King of Siam or as Malcolm X.

--San Antonio basketball basket case Dennis Rodman’s hair is now purplish-orange, leaning toward fuchsia. I predict that very soon Dennis will die himself purple from head to toe and call himself Barney.

--Turns out Dennis the menace’s old gal-pal Madonna is a big boxing fan whose apartment in New York is adorned with photographs of old fighters. Muhammad Ali’s picture is autographed: “Madonna--We Are the Greatest!”

--Chris Mullin, injured. Now there’s news.

--Chris Mullin not injured would be news.

--Nothing against Cedric Ceballos, who looks great. But I can’t help it. I never thought I’d see the day when the best Laker player would be a Phoenix castoff.

--Vlade Divac at forward. Nick Van Exel at guard. I predict Magic Johnson’s assist records are safe.

--Shaquille O’Neal. Music star. Actor. Soft-drink spokesman. I’m sorry. Call me when a basketball team of his actually wins something.

--Mexico City and Yokohama are playing host this week to the Clippers. Going out on a big limb here, but I personally would pick the Clippers to whip any five men from Mexico or any five from Japan.

--However, I also believe any man from Mexico or Japan would stand a good chance of starting for the Clippers at center.

--Whoa, were those San Diego Chargers overrated. Couldn’t even beat Denver .

--Here is a partial list of teams that could beat Denver: Tampa Bay. Green Bay. Colorado. Colorado State. Coach Dan Reeves and the New York Giants. Dan Reeves playing for the New York Giants. The Little Giants. The America 3yacht team. Utah. Utah Methodist. The Rams with or without a 103-yard touchdown.

--That kid from Colorado, Rashaan Salaam, says he would rather not win the Heisman Trophy, thank you. That kid from Mississippi, Air McNair, would absolutely love to win the Heisman Trophy. Let’s give each of them a thrill.

--Back in high school, Salaam played eight-man football. He should be perfect for the Cincinnati Bengals. They have only around seven good players.

--I hear the Professional Bowlers Assn. is going on strike, demanding thinner gutters.

--Golf announcer Gary McCord is denying rumors that he accused Tom Watson of using bikini wax.

--First-time MVP Jeff Bagwell and two-time MVP Frank Thomas will play softball next Sunday at UCLA’s Jackie Robinson Stadium in a charity game co-sponsored by three-time MVP Barry Bonds and two-time Grammy MVP Michael Bolton. Tickets to the game are sold out, which is more than we can say for tickets to any other ballgame.

--My hunch is that Michael Bolton will have more trouble stuffing his hair under a cap than anybody since Oscar Gamble.

--”Shout” by the Isley Brothers is featured on the new CD, “Jock Rock,” a bunch of songs heard traditionally at sporting events. You know something? “Shout” was a wonderful song the first 50 million times I heard it. But now, it makes me want to shout! “Turn the music down!” Shout! “Play something else now!” Shout! “Give me earplugs!” Shout! “Find a new song!” Come on now! Let me hear you say you will!