LAUGH LINE : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on the Heidi Fleiss verdicts: “There was a lot of tension in the city. Police were standing by in front of all Victoria’s Secret stores in case hookers started looting.” Leno adds that it was the first time “Heidi screamed, ‘Oh God,’ without getting paid for it.”

Argus Hamilton, on the new national science class education standards: “Republicans want to make sure everyone learns the basics. For example, that Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh are proof that hot air rises to the top.”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on Sen. Phil Gramm’s welfare comment, that “you cannot give people riding in the wagon more money than the people pulling the wagon”: “Unless, of course, you happen to get elected to high office.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the U.S. government dropping a recall investigation of 5 million GM trucks in exchange for a $51-million company contribution for safety programs: “It just proves once again that what’s good for General Motors is good for General Motors.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Web Hubbell, the Clinton confidant who is seeking a plea agreement on tax evasion and mail fraud charges, which carry stiff prison sentences: “The President had planned to absolve Hubbell of any crime but discovered that Ford, Reagan and Bush had used up the last book of presidential pardon slips.”

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Michael Connor, on the anniversary of Pearl Harbor: “There’ll be one last re-enactment. Sony execs will fly over the harbor and drop copies of ‘Last Action Hero.’ ”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the first presidential address of Mexican leader Ernesto Zedilla: “He declared a national crusade against violence, poverty, corruption, and Taco Bell’s so-called guacamole.”

Miller says the announcement of the separation of Cindy Crawford and Richard Gere “has been selected as Grand Prize winner in the sixth annual Who the Hell Cares Competition. “

Comedy writer Paul Ryan says those nude pictures of Paula Jones in January’s Penthouse are pretty risque: “They actually show her without makeup.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the study that links smoking to male impotence: “Tests on male rats proved conclusive. The female rats didn’t even want to go out with them.” Adds Leno: “Just how deep are these guys inhaling?”

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Reader Deborah McGee of Vista was talking with Tommy, her 7-year-old neighbor, and his father. She asked him if he’d seen the Life Flight helicopter that landed nearby recently. The boy, known to exaggerate, greatly embellished the helicopter rescue story until his dad corrected him. When McGee asked Tommy if he’d ever heard the story of the boy who cried wolf, the boy asked:

“No, is it out on video yet?”