LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Lots of great college football this past weekend, says comedy writer Alan Ray, but there was a scare at one bowl game: “One player was seen actually reading a book.”

Fortunately, there was just one mishap in this year’s Rose Parade, according to comedy writer Alex Pearlstein: “The Intel float miscalculated its average speed and crashed into a high school drill team.”

Pearlstein, on Robert Shapiro possibly taking a lesser role once the O.J. trial starts: “Some say he’s been using the case to further his own celebrity. Shapiro denies this and says that he’d been planning his Rose Parade float for years.”

Reader R. Alex Kaseberg of La Jolla, on Shapiro’s diminished role: “He does, in fact, need more time to himself--primarily to manage his new investments.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on problems plaguing the new “G” stamp: “Already, postal patrons are referring to the 100-stamp roll as a G-string.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller says that today, Jan. 4, Earth will reach the point when it is closest to the sun: “It’s known as perihelion and is observed as a sacred holiday in the George Hamilton household.”

This week marks the 13th birthday of the first test-tube baby born in the United States. Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes says the girl “is a normal teen-ager and is living in a nice Mason jar.”

Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on the Arizona man charged with polygamy for having four wives: “Four wives. He’s not a polygamist. He’s a masochist.”

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Political watch: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the main difference between the two political parties: “Republicans accuse President Clinton of making improper advances, and Democrats accuse Newt Gingrich of taking improper advances.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the President going to Arkansas for a couple days of relaxation: “He wasn’t able to see all his old friends, supporters and former staff members. Just the ones who could make bail.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on the Republicans’ beginning of the congressional session celebration: “The party assures us that all costs for the gala are being underwritten by private donations and that it won’t cost taxpayers anything--for now.”

Mills, on Gov. Pete Wilson’s $2-million, black-tie inaugural gala: “10% of the valet parking tips will be earmarked for Orange County’s recovery efforts.”

Peyser, on the threat of punitive tariffs against Chinese goods unless China does more to prevent commercial piracy of U.S. movies, music and computer software: “The final straw was a bootleg CD made by a recording artist named Kenny MSG.”

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Reader Maurine Reedy Ruzek of Los Angeles says her daughter recently had abdominal surgery. When she was home from the hospital, Ruzek paid her a visit. As she drove up to the house, Ruzek’s grandson, 7, ran to the car and said excitedly:

“Guess what? Mommy let me see her indecision.”

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Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.