LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Weather update: How bad was Tuesday’s flooding in Northern California? Comedy writer Tony Peyser says that it was so bad in Sacramento, “for a brief time, Gov. Pete Wilson’s political position floated from conservative to moderate.”

How strong was the wind here? Jay Leno says it “actually knocked Macauley Culkin into a good movie.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on NorCal’s flood waters continuing to rise: “Napa Valley homes now come in two levels. Split- and sea-.”

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In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on the President meeting with infomercial/motivational guru Tony Robbins: “Now Clinton plans to give his State of the Union speech at 3 a.m. and have it hosted by Fran Tarkenton. . . . The President told Robbins he was worried about the speech and asked for tips on delivery. Robbins suggested C.O.D.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the dedication of former President Richard Nixon’s birthplace in Yorba Linda: “Unwilling to risk parole violations, none of his former aides chose to attend.”

David Letterman, on Sonny Bono’s House Judiciary Committee assignment: “I can remember when he was sitting on the panel of the ‘Gong Show.’ ”

Peyser, on Wilson’s plan to cut $424.7 million in state funds to 1 million aged, blind and disabled Californians: “He wants to spend that money on needy conglomerates.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the federal judge who ruled the Ten Commandments on his courthouse lawn are secular, not religious: “Lawyers are relieved. They hate to read ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ every day and think it’s the word of the Lord.”

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The Simpson: Comedy writer Mel Golob, on the book: “You get a choice of two covers. If you think O.J. is innocent, you get a regular jacket. If you think he is guilty, you get the striped jacket.”

Adds Ray: “The book is not just commercial exploitation. Proceeds from the sale will go to feed hungry lawyers.”

Golob, on where the O.J. jury will be sequestered: “The place is so secret and hard to find that only one person lives nearby--Salman Rushdie.”

Mills, on Judge Lance Ito reserving seats for the families of Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman: “He authorized seven passes for each and chastised Robert Shapiro for requesting a sky-box.”

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Newport Beach reader Martin Litke says that when his granddaughter Sara, 7, learned her Aunt Anne and Uncle Matt had a new baby, she called to ask the girl’s name. Told the baby was named Alexis, Sara thought for a moment, then replied:

“That’s not a baby, Uncle Matt. That’s a car.”

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LL picture caption contest deadline is 5 p.m. today.

* Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.