LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the postmaster general saying he wants to make the Postal Service more efficient: “Unfortunately, he wants to model it after the Department of Motor Vehicles.”

Ryan, on President Clinton saying his job is like being the nation’s dentist: “So, when is he going to turn off the laughing gas and get down to business?”

Comic Jenny Church, on former Colorado senator and presidential hopeful Gary Hart hosting his own call-in talk show: “He will discuss public affairs--and ask listeners for tips on how to keep them private.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on The Newt allowing House members to sleep in their offices for the first time: “Some members are furious at him for announcing that. They’ve been telling their wives for years that’s where they were last night.”

Hamilton, on The Newt punching a hole in his copy of the “contract with America” after the balanced budget passed the House, and saying he will do likewise every time a part passes: “If they pass 10 bills, he gets a free car wash.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on attempts to get The Newt to appear at a Hollywood dinner with celebrities such as Arnold Schwarzenegger: “Great. Another evening of nothing but ‘True Lies.’ ”

Church, on a study finding that the people in Belgium bought the most exported U. S. cigarettes: “Or maybe they just sound Phlegmish.”

Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on “second lady” Tipper Gore saying she loves potato chip and mayonnaise sandwiches on white bread: “Exotic taste in food; bland taste in men.”

Comedy writer Terry Heath, on Groundhog Day: “For one day a year, Punxsutawney Phil is looked upon as a weather expert. The rest of the time, he’s the blue plate special at Denny’s.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “O.J. says he was practicing golf swings when the killings took place. This latest alibi is definitely below par.” (Morty Wright)

* “I guess the warm weather is here to stay. They already switched O.J. to a nice summer-weight jumpsuit.” (Gary Moore, 93FM)

* “I don’t think O.J. is happy with his defense team. It made some mistakes yesterday. In fact, after Johnnie Cochran’s opening remarks, O.J. told him that his arthritis is so bad, he can’t write any more checks.” (Jay Leno)

* “O.J.’s book is doing so well they have come out with an alibi-a-day calendar to go with it.” (Leno)

* “So far, Cochran’s greatest achievements have been a strong opening statement, sharp cross-examining and keeping Robert Shapiro speechless for a week.” (Stan Kaplan)

* “The Fox TV movie was so bad that producers were last seen driving a white Ford Bronco, leading critics on a high-speed chase out of the entertainment industry.” (Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness)

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South Gate reader Haskell Goodman’s granddaughter Annie, 5, visited him with her parents and brought some photographs. One shot featured Annie and a playmate Goodman didn’t recognize, so he asked who the other little girl was.

“That’s my friend Susan,” replied Annie. “We grew up together.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.