LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on the Heidi Fleiss trial: “Jurors may have broken the law by discussing possible sentences with each other before the verdict was in. Her whole case could be overturned. Only in L.A. could the defendant get off and the jury get convicted.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on accused Long Island railroad killer Colin Ferguson acting as his own attorney: “He’ll cross-examine himself. Ferguson (the witness) thinks he’ll do well, but Ferguson (the attorney) has his doubts.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on President Clinton naming a retired general to head the CIA: “He’s planning to make major staff changes in the foreign bureaus. But he’ll keep the same dictators.”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the 1996 Summer Olympic marathon course: “The course is nearby several strip clubs. As a result, volunteers will be deployed to replenish runners with fluids and crisp $1 bills.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on the new CD-ROM “Highway 61 Interactive” “Run one program and you can understand Bob Dylan’s words. Run another, and he actually manages to sing on key.”

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No-peeky baseball: “Newt Gingrich says the strike demands a negotiator who can count union member ballots over and over. Michael Huffington will start his new job tomorrow !” (Brad Halpern)

* “Clinton’s failed to bring owners and players together. They figured, ‘why smoke the peace pipe with a guy who doesn’t inhale?’ ” (Jenny Church)

* “Clinton asked Congress to intervene. Politicians and ballplayers speak the same language: take, steal, squeeze, put out . . . “ (Ray)

* “Jimmy Carter says he’ll mediate the baseball strike if he can sell his peanuts at the ballpark.” (Paul Ryan)

* “If the government settles the strike, expect a major change: players will no longer be able to earn more than the President.” (Ed Stevenson)

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Cirque du O.J.:

* “The prosecution is using Mezzaluna employees to set the time of the murders. This, from people who promise ’15 minutes’ but seat you in an hour?” (Healey)

* “Robert Shapiro is so excited about the jury field trip, he spent today’s court proceedings writing his name inside all his clothes.” (Halpern)

* “The dog may be the most reliable witness. Judge Ito plans to bring a canine juror to hear his testimony.” (Ryan)

* “Mary Ann Gerchas turned herself in to police Wednesday on fraud charges. Overnight, O.J.’s lawyers downgraded Gerchas from key defense witness to “Mary Anne who? “ (Peyser)

* “The stakes are getting higher. Defense just told prosecutors, ‘We’ll see your drug problem, and raise you two drinking problems.’ ” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Though Al Cowlings won’t write a book, he’ll do a Ford Bronco commercial: ‘In a crisis? Need a vehicle you can depend on?’ ” (Mark Miller)

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A friend of reader Fred Hauter was discussing his wife’s constant desire to shop. His friend said:

“The stores are so delighted to see her, even the mannequins wave at her.”