LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Happy Presidents’ Day . . . “Or, as it’s better known--the Spectacular Annual Mattress Clearance Sale.” (Mark Miller)

* “Millions of Americans today will pay tribute to our nation’s leadership in a most fitting manner. They’ll do nothing.” (Alan Ray)

* “Historians say that if George Washington were still alive today, he would not be electable. (All together now . . . ) He could not tell a lie.” (Ray)

*

In the news: Jay Leno, on Pat Buchanan’s 1996 presidency bid: “This could be bad news for Robert Dornan. It could split that all important ‘nut’ vote in half.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on statistics that show more people talk about Rush Limbaugh on the Internet than about erotica: “This makes perfect sense. After discussing Limbaugh, who wants to even think about sex?”

Leno, on the NBC special “When Stars Were Kids”: “They showed a video of Madonna at her first communion. Seems to me that if you want big ratings, show a video of Madonna at her first confession.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on convicted commuter railway murderer Colin Ferguson: “Ferguson told the judge that unless he issues an order limiting the exorbitant fees Ferguson keeps charging himself, he’ll soon face bankruptcy.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on a contest by Roll Call, the newspaper serving Capitol Hill, to devise an advertising slogan to improve Congress’ image: “How about, ‘Congress: You bought the right one, baby.’ Or, ‘Congress: Because there is no interest more special than yours.’ ”

Ray, on the Three Amigos golfing partners--Clinton, Ford and Bush: “Of course, two no longer have any influence in Washington. And Bush isn’t as powerful either.”

Reader Kent Molyneaux, on Major League Baseball planning to use replacement players, including some who had retired: “Fans’ attention on the field will wane when they realize the fastest pitcher in the park is the peanut vendor.”

*

Cirque du O.J.: “The LAPD now has a new excuse why it didn’t call the coroner sooner. Computer hacker Kevin Mitnick had all its lines tied up.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Friday was national Random Acts of Kindness Day. Johnnie Cochran celebrated by doing pro bono work from 2:20 to 2:21 p.m.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Pianist Roger Williams played a private concert for the jury. Among the requests were: ‘Born Free,’ ‘The Way We Were’ and ‘We Gotta Get Out of This Place.’ ” (Kevin Healey)

* “Irate fans lit up the Channel 2 switchboard a week ago Sunday when it preempted a Daytona Speedway event for the jury’s field trip. This confirms defense assertions that it is a race issue.” (Tom Topping)

*

Reader Wendy Beckendorf has been trying to teach overindulged sons Jason, 6, and Scott, 8, the value of money, so she started them on a $2-per-week allowance. After two weeks, and realizing how long it would take to save enough for a toy, Jason had an idea:

“Mom, I don’t want dollars,” he said. “Can we have credit cards instead?”