LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on The Newt’s rating in a recent poll: “He got high marks as House Speaker, but some see him as an extremist of questionable character. In other words, he’s hovering in the middle ground between Eugene and Joseph McCarthy.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Jimmy Carter’s settling the Sudan war: “Americans aren’t all that impressed. It’s not like he settled the baseball strike.”

Hamilton, on the White House’s plans to replace the CIA with a private corporation: “So much for patriotism. Would Nathan Hale have regretted that he had but one life to give for his vice president of marketing?”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on “The Ten Commandments,” set to air again on April 9: “This time around it will be the director’s cut, with an additional seven minutes of film and three additional commandments.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on a bill to force the IRS to prove taxpayers wrong instead of filers having to prove they’re right: “That’s a great idea. Imagine Congress sitting on the curb with a sign reading ‘Will work for taxes.’ ”

North Hollywood reader Richard McEnroe, on Oliver North producing programs for a conservative cable channel: “He’s working with David Duke on a kid’s program: ‘The Ku Klux Klan & Ollie Show.’ ”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on four talent agents fired by Hollywood powerhouse ICM: “They were found guilty of the unpardonable sin--being reachable by phone.”

South Pasadena reader Ron Rosen, on Dodger prices during the strike: “The good news--box seats will be only $3.50. The bad news--Dodger dogs will be $10; a beer will be $15.”

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Among reader Louise Grijalva’s Top 10 ways you know you’re married to a professional mechanic:

* “The quality of the beer in the fridge depends on the complexity of his last side job.”

* “Can explain how an air bag operates, but can’t remember when the oil was last changed.”

* “His name’s embroidered on all his dress shirts.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Prosecutors allege O.J. ditched the knife in an airport trash can prior to check-in. Apparently, the white zone is now reserved for the immediate loading and unloading of murder weapons only.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Robert Shapiro really put holes in the skycap’s testimony when he asked, ‘Have you ever tagged luggage for the wrong destination?’ ” (Brad Halpern)

* “Johnnie Cochran was unable to trick limo driver Allan Park into identifying a bag O.J. didn’t use. However, in another test, Park admitted he couldn’t tell the difference between Classic and Diet Coke.” (Peyser)

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While Anaheim reader Keith Frohreich and his son were stopped at a traffic light, they saw a nearby van with an advertisement for Heidi’s Mobil Dog Grooming Service. The boy pondered it briefly, then asked:

“Do they make dogs get married?”