LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the idea of reviving prison chain gangs: “Civil libertarians are miffed, but Judge Ito’ll try anything to stop jury defections.”

Adds comedy writer Jerry Perisho: “Apparently, another juror wants to be dismissed because her spouse is sick. He’s been watching the trial on TV.”

Mills, on chief forensic chemist Gregory Matheson’s first day on the stand: “It went well, but that could all change when he tries to explain the mixing in of the sample from Dwight Gooden’s drug test.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on G. Gordon Liddy’s statements about ATF agents: “A Republican fund-raiser ‘recalled’ him as a speaker, but he was asked to lecture at a convention of Angry White Losers Without Partners. “

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on Dr. Henry Foster’s confirmation hearings for surgeon general: “The hearings had to be held in the Senate. The doctor refused to make a House call.”

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Business briefs: Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the Mobil Oil Company’s 4,700-employee layoff: “And you thought the bathrooms were dirty before. “

Adds comedy writer Alan Ray: “Even the severance package is kind of skimpy: Free car wash with a fill-up.”

Perisho, on the new Columbia Pictures movie “Cable Guy,” starring Chris Farley: “They promise a premiere next month, sometime between 11 a.m. and 5 p.m.”

Healey, on the new naked celebrity photos on the Internet: “Marlon Brando is one of the new additions. He comes with a warning. If you download him, you’ll eat up all your memory.”

Comic Jenny Church, on how MTV will soon be offered in Asia in Mandarin Chinese: “Translating the videos is causing some confusion, however. That little symbol for Prince is the Chinese character for “The Artist Formerly Known as Butt-head.”

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A famous baseball player is sitting on the steps of the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, N.Y., when suddenly he finds another famous ball player who had died several years before seated next to him. Upon being told that the visiting player is on leave from heaven, he asks what it is like.

“Well, there’s good news and bad news,” the apparition said. “The good news is that we play every day in a magnificent stadium in front of cheering crowds. The weather is always fantastic and the playing field is great.” He went on to explain that the illustrious team of players included Honus Wagner, Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth. It’s really heaven!”

“That sounds great. What’s the bad news?” the player asked.

“You’re pitching tomorrow.” -- Hank Kovell, Beverly Hills

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Huntington Beach reader Elisa Monroe videotaped her daughter Danielle, 2, as she washed dishes with the help of a footstool. Hoping to embarrass her husband a bit, she said to her daughter, “Who cleans the house, Mommy or Daddy? Pausing a moment, the little girl replied:

“Snow White.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.