Sparked Anew, Old Flames Burn Brighter : Love: Most of those who renew relationships with their first loves become permanent partners, researcher says--despite separations of decades, changes in appearance and even years of marriage to others.

Apparently it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Especially if you hook up later with your old flame.

That’s the finding of a Sacramento State University professor who studies long-lost lovers.

Nancy Kalish said old flames burn the hottest, and people who years later rekindle romances with lost loves often experience the most intense emotional satisfaction of their lives.

Most of those in renewed love relationships become permanent partners, despite separations of decades, changes in appearance and even years of marriage to others.

“These people are romantic and they are risk-takers. They talk about finding their soul mates, they talk about finding the love of their lives,” Kalish said.

“They say they’ve found romance, and when they reconnect, they generally stay together,” said Kalish, a psychology professor and developer of the Lost Love Project.

Kalish is studying a phenomenon she says is commonly experienced but rarely discussed--the life odyssey that ends with a return to a first love.

But why does a person, even after 20, 30 or 40 years, seek out the vanished love of youth?

Kalish asked that in questionnaires she developed for such couples. She solicited replies through conventional media, computer networks and elsewhere.

First loves often lived nearby and their families were acquainted, her research found.

They may have been childhood friends and enjoyed companionship as playmates, or may have spent their early school years together, becoming a significant part of each other’s life, she said.

As they grew older, friendship turned to love. Even after separation, the memory of the first love remained intense, she said.

Or perhaps a first love occurred during the happiest period of a person’s life. Later, after experiencing disappointments, people hope to regain the earlier happiness, she said.

Some people, despite multiple marriages and a variety of relationships over decades, never quite find a partner to compare with their first.

After years of experimentation, they return to their original romance. Widows and widowers seek out first loves, and so do those who suffer painful divorces, she said.

“I think almost everyone, at some point, has experienced this feeling of wanting to get in contact with their first love,” Kalish said.

Her survey subjects ranged from 20 to 83 years of age, more women than men responded and a third of the “reconnected couples” lived 1,000 miles or more apart. Of those who rekindled their earlier romance, nearly two-thirds remained together, she said.

“I think also that people basically are romantic and they can’t stand loose ends; they need closure,” she said. “That’s what a lot of people say they want--closure.”

And, she added, the couples invariably reported “great sex.”

Kalish said her research has raised some eyebrows in the scientific community.

“Some say it’s not a serious topic or that it doesn’t affect everybody. But it’s everywhere. It’s in books. It’s in movies. The subject is a fascination for most people.”