LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Russ Myers, on banning auto traffic on Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House: “It’s perfectly in line with an Administration whose achievements have been pedestrian.”

* Adds Jay Leno: “It’s the biggest security crackdown there since Hillary closed the old JFK girlfriend gate.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the federal government’s new paperwork reduction law: “It includes six volumes of documentation and 13 volumes of background material.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Sen. Bob Packwood facing charges of fondling baby-sitters and a waitress, and forcing himself on women in elevators: “It’s got everyone’s interest. Phil Gramm just bid $10 million for the film rights.”

Hamilton, on Gov. Pete’s wife giving a speech for him at a governor’s conference: “What a novelty. The other Republican candidates have Pat Robertson doing all their talking.”

Leno, on the removal of Connie Chung as co-anchor of the “CBS Evening News”: “Did you see how they told her? I thought this was really, really cruel. They had Newt Gingrich’s mom whisper it in her ear.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the 55 University of Montana students charged with collecting $70,000 in fraudulent unemployment benefits: “Most were arrested while at their jobs as teaching assistants in the ethics department.”

Comic Jenny Church, on the scandal at the Orange County fertility clinic: “Police investigators are calling it a case of poached eggs.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Rodney King’s DUI arrest in Pennsylvania: “The cops were happy to arrest him in Amish country. No video cameras.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on Harlequin romance novels giving away prizes to frequent readers: “Entrants must take scissors in their quivering hands and gently cut out the coupon, freeing it from the constraints of the binding that held it prisoner. A cash receipt must accompany, to prove that the reader was the very first to cast eyes over the heretofore untouched leaves of pristine pages.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “The defense team has returned to the conspiracy theory. Wow, what are the odds of its strategy wheel landing on conspiracy again?” (Brad Halpern)

* “The defense is like Lens Crafters. Takes only 30 minutes to get new frames.” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* “Jurors took a spin in the Goodyear blimp last weekend. Being taken for a ride by a lot of hot air? Guess they got to work the weekend after all.” (Cutler)

* “Chief Willie L. Williams has acknowledged that he will celebrate a Simpson guilty verdict with a trip to Las Vegas.” (Halpern)

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Indian Wells reader J. Walker Owens was watching grandchildren Jonathan, 6, and Alisa, 3, play with new Christmas presents when they began to argue over a toy. Alisa gave Jonathan a big swat and fighting began. “Don’t fight,” their grandmother said, “be friends.” Jonathan immediately yelled back:

“We can’t be friends, we’re brother and sister.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.