LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on chances of the Senate approving Surgeon General-nominee Dr. Henry Foster: “Phil Gramm promises to filibuster. To kill time, he’s going to read the Oscar acceptance speech he never got to deliver for ‘Truck Stop Women.’ ”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the intruder at Madonna’s house: “He is being treated for gunshot wounds and a punctured foot from stepping on one of her cone bras.”

Gary Moore (93.1 FM), on Monday night’s fog: “It was so foggy that Joey Buttafuoco actually propositioned his own wife.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the doctor who used a coat hanger to repair a woman’s collapsed lung during an airline flight: “Even more amazing, he used a cocktail napkin to bill her insurance.”

Jay Leno, on Bob Hope’s 92nd birthday Monday: “He is still performing. He spent the whole day entertaining the troops guarding the White House.”

Comic Dennis Miller, on America’s obsession with fitness: “The only exercise program that has ever worked for me is occasionally getting up in the morning and jogging my memory to remind myself how much I hate to exercise.”

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Call for Philip Morris . . . Mills on the cigarette recall:

* “A spokesman sheepishly explained that somehow, a potentially harmful insecticide found its way into the normal cancer-causing ingredients.”

* “Some smokers actually preferred the defective cigarettes. They said the dizziness gave their regular coughing spells a party-like quality.”

* “Customers returning defective smokes are offered a choice: free chest X-ray or complimentary IV bags with the official Marlboro Country logo.”

Adds Moore: “Philip Morris has so many flawed cigarettes, it’s thinking about opening its own factory outlet.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “The newest juror is a 71-year-old woman who enjoys betting at the track and doesn’t read anything but the ‘horse sheet.’ Amazing--that’s exactly what the prosecution thinks of the defense’s arguments.” (Tony Peyser)

* “The pony-playing new juror is a ‘retired cleaning officer,’ who only does betting windows.” (Peyser)

* “On Memorial Day, the Dream Team paused to remember those jurors whose chances at a book deal had died.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “According to the latest poll, 61% of Americans think O.J. did it. And the other 39% don’t think.” (Kevin S. Healey)

* “The author of Kato Kaelin’s book claims Kato thinks O.J. is guilty. I find that hard to believe. I mean, Kato . . . thinking.” (Leno)

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While Woodland Hills reader Ron Ladd was baby-sitting his granddaughter Dana, 6, she requested that he read her a story about Abe Lincoln. When he asked if she knew who Lincoln was, Dana replied:

“Yes, he’s a penny.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.