LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on Pete Wilson breaking his silence: “When he finally spoke, he wanted to know, ‘Who the hell is Doris Allen?’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the man who donated six major organs, including a liver for Mickey Mantle: “A reporter asked if the donor was available for comment but was told the divorce lawyer was not finished with him yet.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Diane Sawyer’s interview with Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson: “When asked about the $8 million promo for his new video, Jackson admitted it was expensive but cheaper than many out-of-court settlements.”

* Adds Cutler Rock Comedy Network: “Sawyer asked her the tough questions, such as: ‘Don’t you hate it when he wipes his mascara off on the good towels?’ ”

Comic Jenny Church, on problems with the city’s new slogan, “Together we’re the best. Los Angeles”: “The punctuation’s wrong. The slogan’s so full of BS, it needs a colon.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the new rock ‘n’ roll degree program offered at a British institute: “Labs are intensive, but for the final exam, students are required to take apart a hotel room.”

Jay Leno, on Chrysler’s new transmission: “Since it shifts as an automatic or a manual, they’re calling it a car you can shift gears without caring. Shift gears without caring? That’s a rental car!”

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Among the signs President Clinton’s popularity is dropping, according to comedy writer Kevin S. Healey:

* Al Gore spends majority of free time clipping his name from Clinton/Gore bumper stickers.

* The Prez overheard staff members whispering, “He’s no Dukakis!”

* McDonald’s politely asked him to patronize Burger King.

* Now sits in coach on Air Force I.

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Cirque du O.J.: “Carnival Cruise Lines is readying special sailings for trial-o-philes, but there’s a catch. Nightly at the midnight buffet, you’ve got to explain where you were between 10:15 p.m. and 11 p.m.” (Healey)

* “Robert Shapiro complained to Judge Ito that seven days of testimony by Dr. Lakshmanan Sathyavagiswaran was an ‘unprecedented marathon.’ That argument can be shot down with two words: Dennis Fung.” (Peyser)

* “The County Board of Supervisors has voted to bar TV cameras in the event that O.J. is retried. And while they were at it, they imposed a strict three-hour limit on next year’s Academy Awards.” (Bob Mills)

* “If a second trial is held, county supervisors think they might make more money from parking receipts if it were held at the Rose Bowl.” (Brad Halpern)

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Glendale reader Christina Grzywinski and son Christian, 5, watched a movie about the French Revolution. The boy became disturbed by the beheadings and asked his mother why heads couldn’t be glued back on. A week or so later, Grzywinski told Christian she knew he’d never get into a car with a stranger.

“And,” the boy added, “I’ll never be French, either.”

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