LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on L.A. County students scoring below the national average on the SAT tests: “They did, however, lead the nation on the AK-47 test.”

* Adds comic Jenny Church: “Maybe our schools need to install some mental detectors.”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on LAPD Chief Willie L. Williams’ plans to establish a legal-defense fund to pay for recent attorneys’ fees: “Contributors should indicate whether they want their donations placed on odd or even. And checks should be sent to Caesars Palace, Las Vegas.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Gov. Pete celebrating his 62nd birthday at a small party with aides: “In a repeat of his Iowa straw poll showing, he managed to blow out only 1% of his candles.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Gary Hart considering a U.S. Senate race next year: “He says the country has matured since 1988. His new campaign slogan will be ‘What’s One Blonde?’ ”

Kaseberg, on the debut of Windows 95: “It wasn’t just the software that attracted all the computer enthusiasts. It was the cool promotional tie-in: free pocket protectors.”

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Flat Lines: L.A. County/USC Medical Center has opened a hot line to inform callers about changes because of budget cuts. Here are some of the hot line’s tips, according to Church:

* “If you need CPR, place the telephone on your chest and repeatedly push the pound sign.”

* “If you need general anesthesia, begin dialing backward from 100.”

* “If you need more help, leave a message after the beep, beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeep .”

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Cirque du O.J.: “The defense faces sanctions for not promptly turning over Dr. Henry Lee’s notes. A defense source said it was not deliberate, that they’d just had their hands full leaking the Fuhrman tapes to the media.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Judge Ito compared Lee’s red ink-splattering demonstration to a show by the comedian, Gallagher. That’s fitting, since Mark Fuhrman sounds so much like Andrew (Dice) Clay.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “With all of Lee’s red ink now in evidence, the defense has subpoenaed the Orange County Board of Supervisors.” (Church)

* “Lee argued for the possibility of two killers. This makes sense when you consider that now we’ve got two defendants.” (Peyser)

* “How do you count the lawyers on the Dream Team? Easy, just count the faces and divide by two. “ (Howard C.)

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While Palos Verdes Estates readers Bob and Helen Melott were in St. Louis with their grandchildren, her brother took three grandsons fishing for the first time, making each bait his own hook with a worm. When Derek, 6, got his line in the water, he said:

“Here boy, here boy!”