LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Hail to the Pete: “Gov. Wilson announced his bid for President in front of the Statue of Liberty. It symbolizes his feelings on immigration. He wants it turned into a guard tower.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Wilson says he is the first politician to stand up to illegal immigrants. He does stand up to them. Today, he refused to give his maid a raise.” (Jay Leno)

* “National name recognition is still a problem. A poll of New Hampshire voters shows that 46% of them think Wilson’s the guy who invented the baseball glove.” (Bob Mills)

* “Wilson’s campaign kick-off speech was postponed while he recovered his voice. Now he’s lost his vision.” (D.P. Hill)

*

In the news: Leno, on the merger of Chase Manhattan and Chemical Bank: “To give you an idea how big this bank will be, they are talking about having two teller windows open.”

Comedy writer Tyler Horn, on Oliver North’s guest-shot role as an honorable military intelligence operator on “Jag,” a new NBC series: “Ollie doing honorable? It must be a comedy.”

Hamilton, on Arkansas Gov. Jim Guy Tucker’s arraignment on 11 new counts of banking fraud: “Bank fraud is tough to prove in Arkansas. Prosecutors have to prove he received the mattress knowing cash was inside.”

Comic Jenny Church, on Apple’s new PowerBook, due in stores on Sept. 11: “It is based on the advanced PowerPC 603e chip. An even hotter version has the 976 chip-e , which does laptop dancing.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Amtrak surveying its customers to find out what they want: “How about trains that float?”

Comic David Gee, on the rumored break-up of the Jackson-Presley marriage: “Lisa Marie wanted to ask Michael for a divorce last week, but she couldn’t pry him away from the Little League World Series.”

Leno, on Saturday’s opening of the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland: “Don’t we already have one? I think it’s called the Betty Ford Clinic.”

*

Cirque du O.J.: “Assistant D.A. Hank Goldberg asked Dr. Henry Lee if he had some red tape to mark a display board. An unlimited supply was then offered by a guy from FEMA.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Lee testified that none of O.J.’s prints were found at the crime scene. So I guess the gloves do fit!” (Leno)

* “They should release the Mark Fuhrman tapes, but only the ones he had in his car: ‘The Carpenter’s Greatest Hits’ and ‘Abbey Road.’ ” (Thom Sharp)

*

On vacation several years ago, Seal Beach reader Mary Playter was enduring the traveling child’s lament: “Are we almost there?” Finally, in frustration, she told son Timmy not to say another word, that she promised to tell him when they were almost there. Several seconds passed before a small voice came from the back seat:

“Will I still be 5?”