It's Been Surreal

By BOB BLUMER

Aug. 31, 1995 12 AM PT

I have never been fond of proper behavior, formal attire or tradition for tradition’s sake. While others relax with a glass of wine half an hour before the party starts, I inevitably get caught in the shower--albeit with a glass of wine in hand--as my first guests arrive.

What follows is a collage of observations, experiences and recipes culled from my action-adventures as a host, gallivanting gourmet and charter member of the “unmonied elite.”

The formula for fulfillment in the surreal world of dinner partydom is simple: Shop for the freshest available ingredients, master a few select dishes, buy some spirited CDs, invite a wild-card guest and train your friends to arrive with fine wine. Follow my suggestions when they feel right but never fear to veer off the egg-beaten path. Missing ingredients, mismatched utensils and haphazard kitchen gaffes will all melt into comic irrelevance amid the smoke and sizzle of a little spontaneity.

So grab your corkscrew, forget everything the tea and crumpet contingent taught you about traditional dinner party etiquette and let the surreal times roll.

Who

Think of your party as a chess game. To play, you need an assortment of kings, queens, bishops, knights and pawns. It’s the “chemistry” between the pieces that makes the evening work. Too many of one piece, regardless of its rank or “moves,” will not lead to checkmate.

In addition to an eclectic mix of personalities, I like to invite one outspoken, controversial “ringer” whom I can count on to invigorate the conversation. I make a mental note of these types when I meet them at other events, and I lure them to my parties with the promise of fine food.

In the chess game of life, the triumphant host sends each guest home feeling like a king or queen--never the pawn.

Send in the Clowns

On some occasions, it’s fun to introduce “new blood” to a party at the point when the energy level typically wanes.

If you have invited “vibey” friends who can’t attend dinner because of previous commitments, turn a negative into a positive by asking them to come late for dessert or after-dinner drinks. Their arrival will inject your party with a surge of fresh vitality.

Neighborhood Watch

For intimate dinner parties, pacifying the neighbors should not be a concern. However, if your intimate intentions evolve into a massive social event, it is wise not to ignore your immediate neighbors.

Inviting them is the old standby. Unfortunately, it’s not always desired, or appropriate. An advance note or phone call can work wonders, as will the habit of bringing them goodies after the party, thereby creating a Pavlov’s dog effect (put up with the noise, get a treat).

Children

[I like children] if they’re properly cooked.

--W.C. Fields

I have always found that children act most like adults when being treated like adults. This is not to say that you should serve them the same truffle risotto that you are serving your other guests. But if kids are expected at your dinner party, create a party for them that’s just as special as yours.

Dress up a room they can call their own; treat them to goodies they might not get at home. Rent some movies. Bake some cookies. Roll some peanut butter and jelly wheels. Pop some popcorn. Toss in some arts and crafts supplies and party hats and leave them to their own devices (avoid too much sugar, or the whole room might explode).

If you are expecting more than a couple of kids, a communal baby-sitter can be a worthy investment. If you don’t have kids at home, conduct a quick sweep of low-lying surfaces for breakables and sharp corners.

Involve your own children in as much of the preparation as possible (i.e., designing name tags and decorating the room). Then give them an early lesson in strategic negotiating by allowing them to stay up until a designated time in exchange for a guaranteed, unaccompanied retirement. Of course, if they’re old enough to help clean up--well, that’s another story.

What

It’s OK to be selfish. The first thing to consider when selecting a menu is where you want to spend the majority of the evening. If you are fortunate enough to have a kitchen that opens into the living room, and you consider cooking a spectator sport, then starting the meal preparation after the guests arrive is no problem.

If, on the other hand, you are the type who prefers to mingle with a glass of wine in hand, a selection of dishes that can be completed entirely in advance might be more practical. A mix of the two, weighted slightly toward pre-prep, is always a safe choice.

I use one fundamental rule when determining how many different items to prepare: Make a minimal number of dishes, but make each one memorable. A finger food, a salad and an entree served with fresh bread should be enough to satiate any guest’s hunger, as well as his or her palate. The equation is simple:

distinctive + robust = memorable

Finger Foods.

One or two finger foods will whet your guests’ appetite and keep their eyes from wandering to the timer on the oven. Too many can be counterproductive.

Last Christmas I attended a dinner party where the host set out a bountiful selection of canapes, crudites, cheeses and dips. Unfortunately, the stuffed Cornish hens took much longer to bake than anticipated, and what at first seemed like an over-abundance of starters was devoured to the last radish.

When dinner was finally served, everyone was too full to eat. Moral of the story: Be frugal with finger foods. If the meal takes extra time to cook, let them starve. They will appreciate your culinary skills all the more if they are hungry when dinner at long last arrives.

Bread

A crusty Italian or French baguette, served hot from your oven, will improve the taste of almost anything it accompanies. At less than $2 a loaf, it’s the ultimate affordable luxury. There is a good old-world bakery in just about every city. Search it out. The trip across town will be well worth the trouble.

If your bread has lost its freshness, baptize it with a sprinkling of water and toss it, uncovered, in the oven for about 6 to 8 minutes at 300 degrees, or until it’s hot and crispy.

Theme-party Roulette.

Theme parties are a tricky--and risky--business. Half-baked themes tend to die slow and miserable deaths.

If you’re determined to proceed, be sure the theme is a clever one, as well as one that your guests can live with. Then go for it with gusto. Incorporate your theme into the invitations, attire, menu, drinks, decorations, games, music, etc.

It is inevitable that you may sometimes want, or feel obliged, to invite someone whom you know will not be eager to participate.

In order to make that person feel comfortable (or less uncomfortable), create an alternate role for him or her, such as sous-chef, bartender or costume judge. For those who “overlooked” the fine print of the invitation, stock a few simple props (i.e., a funny nose and glasses for Halloween or a plastic lei for an island theme).

Where

There is no such thing as an inadequate space for a dinner party. Some of the best dinners I have attended have taken place in cramped apartments, on apartment roofs, on tour buses, even on floors.

Overcoming the shortcomings of your surroundings will add to the pleasure and spontaneity of the party. Turning an unaccommodating setting into a workable one requires the process of “unlocking” oneself from conventional thinking.

If the dining room is too small, move the dining room table into the living room. If you only have two chairs, get rid of them altogether, seat your guests on the floor and serve Japanese food and sake. Too hot? Eat outside. Too buggy? Make it a safari party and build a tent on the patio from mosquito netting.

If all else fails, borrow someone else’s place. Some people are happy to lend out their home or apartment as a way to meet people from outside their immediate circle of friends (with the proviso that they are invited, and the cleanup is taken care of).

To avoid the party-in-the-kitchen phenomenon, make each room as inviting as possible. Keep the lighting flattering, the temperature comfortable and the stereo volume below the level of conversation. If your guests still don’t take the bait, use finger foods and booze to lure them into the desired areas.

When all else fails, do as I do and section off the kitchen with yellow police-line tape.

When

Though I have yet to confirm this theory with a Freudian psychologist, it is my firm belief that at the instant we are poised to serve a piping hot culinary work of art, we turn into our mothers. Suddenly, everyone must be planted in his or her seat at the exact instant that dinner is ready.

If you love(d) your mother but can’t quite see yourself in her sensible shoes, build some flexibility into your serving schedule. Assume that your guests assume it is polite to arrive a few minutes late. Inviting habitual offenders half an hour earlier than you want them may be the oldest trick in the book--but it still works.

Why / Why not?

How. Just do it.

Sit-down and buffet formats each offer distinct advantages. Sometimes table-space limitations make the decision easy, but often an executive decision may be required.

Buffets

The advantages of a buffet are: a) it doesn’t require a large table to accommodate everybody; b) it injects a built-in mingle factor; c) guests can help themselves to whatever and how much they want without calling attention to their food quirks; and d) it can be set up virtually anywhere.

The disadvantage is that the conversation and the party naturally fragment--not to mention the problem of juggling a glass, plate, cutlery and napkin while trying to eat and look good, all at the same time.

If you are going to set up a buffet, here are a few hints:

* Be sure that there are enough comfortable places to sit. Import some pillows if necessary.

* Find serving containers that are attractive--even if it is the same pot or pan you cooked in.

* Provide an appropriate serving utensil for every dish.

* Try to serve foods that can be eaten with a fork only.

* For hot food, warm your serving vessels before filling them with food. Whenever possible use a lid to retain heat.

Note: Buffets are the only exception to my rule of always warming your plates. I discovered this exception in my early days of entertaining after I heated the plates and then watched in horror as my guests politely tried to keep the scalding China from searing their laps.

Sit-Down Dinners

Seated dinners generally require more work, but they often reward the host with a greater sense of achievement.

There are two serving options attached to sit-down dinners. I like to assemble plates in the kitchen. This allows more control over presentation and portioning. Serving “family-style” is simpler, and it facilitates individual portion and quirk control.

Many of my friends prefer this method, but I feel it transforms dinner into something uncomfortably close to an episode of “The Waltons.” If you insist on the latter, garnish each serving dish and, if you have a round table, get a lazy Susan.

Some Assembly Required

One of the easiest tricks to help facilitate mingling involves making a meal that integrates food and activity. I call it a BYO party. No, not bring your own, build your own. Everybody loves to assemble their own dinner and the interaction it creates is a great ice breaker. As a bonus, build-your-own dinners are usually good insurance policies against food quirks.

Setting Up A Self-Serve Bar

Choose a location far from the kitchen, put out glasses, liquor, a measuring jigger, mixers and any available bar accouterments. Fill an ice bucket (or wing it with a fishbowl), set out tongs or a spoon, ice down some beer in an appropriate container, cut your citrus and voila.

FRUIT-INFUSED CORDIALS

If you’ve ever been to a bar and seen a giant jar of fruit stewing, chances are it’s infused alcohol. It’s simple to make, exotic looking and provides a variety of serving options. It takes a few days to steep, so you must be patient. Use the suggested fruits or a combination of your choosing. The “pickled” fruit may be blended with ice for an instant frozen daiquiri or Margarita--especially delicious when made with rum- or tequila-soaked fruit.

1/2 pineapple, sliced, skin and core discarded

1 cup strawberries, hulled and halved

1 cup blackberries

1 peach, pitted, skinned and sliced

1 mango, pitted, skinned and sliced

1 orange, peeled and sectioned

1 banana, peeled and sliced

1 (25-ounce) bottle tequila, vodka, gin or golden rum

Sparkling mineral water, optional

Fill 1 (2-quart) glass jar with pineapple, strawberries, blackberries, peach, mango, orange and banana. Add liquor. Cover jar tightly and let stand at room temperature at least 3 days, preferably 1 week.

Strain or serve directly from jar (“sun tea” jars come with handy spigots). Serve chilled in shot glasses or over ice with or without sparkling mineral water.

* Note: Best when made with very ripe fruit.

MUSSEL BEACH

Mussels on the half shell are as exotic and flavorful as they are inexpensive. Use any leftover herb butter for toast rounds.

12 basil leaves

1/4 cup fresh thyme leaves

1/4 cup fresh tarragon leaves

6 cloves garlic, minced

2 shallots, minced

1/2 cup fresh Italian parsley sprigs

Zest of 2 lemons

Juice of 1 lemon

1 teaspoon celery salt

1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

6 tablespoons butter, room temperature

2 pounds cultured blue mussels, rinsed, beards removed with a quick tug

3 lemons, cut into wedges

Put basil, thyme, tarragon, garlic, shallots, parsley, lemon zest and juice, celery salt and pepper in food processor or blender and process to combine. Or chop ingredients by hand into fine dice and combine.

Add butter and process to combine or blend thoroughly with spoon.

Place vegetable steamer in large pot and add 1 inch of water. Bring water to boil. Add mussels, cover and steam 40 to 60 seconds, just long enough for shells to open (this is the sole object of the exercise). Remove opened shells and continue steaming any closed shells for 1 minute. Discard any mussels that have not opened by this time. Allow mussels to cool. Remove the top shell.

Set the mussels on baking sheet (facing up) and spoon 1/4 teaspoon of the butter-herb mixture over each. Place pan under broiler on level closest to element or flame. Broil about 2 1/2 minutes, or until butter is melted and mussels just begin to brown. Serve on half shell. Garnish with lemon wedges.

Makes 12 servings.

Each serving contains about:

85 calories; 147 mg sodium; 24 mg cholesterol; 7 grams fat; 3 grams carbohydrates; 4 grams protein; 0.25 gram fiber.

* Le Secret: Do not over-steam or over-broil mussels.

* The Adventure Club: Add a few droplets of the licorice-flavored liqueur Pernod to each mussel just before cooking.

* Suggested Accompaniment: a martini.

* Alternatives: Butter may be replaced with an equal amount of olive oil. This recipe also works with oysters, but you will have to pray for a pearl in order to finance the difference in price.

* Notes: Buy the mussels from a reputable fishmonger on the day of the dinner. Select only mussels that are closed. Keep the mussels refrigerated. Mussels are best washed and cleaned just before using. They begin to dry out once the beard is removed. Don’t worry if you are missing any one of the herbs. If you open a mussel and it looks questionable, give it the smell test.

Prep Time: 30 minutes.

Cooking Time: 5 minutes.

* Surreal recipes on H20, H22.

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Monocuisine

Prepare an entire meal made with ingredients of the same color or the same two colors. If you are stuck for ingredients or inspiration, exercise poetic license and add colored namesakes like red snapper, Black Forest cake or duck a l’orange to the mix.

Do not divulge the menu and keep everyone out of the kitchen. Let guests pick up on the theme at their own speed. Be a little playful and drop subtle hints (i.e., serve something incongruous like cheese puffs before an orange dinner, or use flowers and napkins that match your color of choice).

White:

White Russians

Vichyssoise

Cauliflower

White asparagus

White bean salad

Garlic mashed potatoes

Chilean sea bass

White chocolate mousse

Wine: Sauvignon Blanc

Music: The Beatles, “The White Album” (Capitol/EMI)

Yellow

Banana daiquiris

Corn chowder

Saffron rice

Yellow curry chicken

Yellow bell peppers

Lemon pie

Wine: Chardonnay

Music: Yellow Man, “Yellow Man Rides Again (RAS Records)

Black

Black Russians

Black caviar

Black bean soup

Pumpernickel bread

Squid ink pasta with “blackened” chicken

Dark chocolate mousse

Wine: Black Tower

Music: Prince, “The Black Album” (Warner Bros.)

Orange

Vodka and orange juice

Smoked salmon appetizers

Cheddar cheese sticks

Carrot sticks

Carrot or pumpkin soup

Sweet potato stars

Stuffed orange bell peppers

Kumquats

Orange sherbert

Music: XTC, “Oranges and Lemons” (Geffen)

Pink

Vodka and pink grapefruit juice

Cream of tomato soup

Poached salmon

Rose potatoes

Strawberry ice cream

Wine: Pink Champagne

Music: The Band, “Music from the Big Pink” (Capital/EMI)

Red

Bloody Marys

Roasted red bell pepper soup

Red pasta with tomato sauce beet risotto

Baked tomatoes

Raspberry sorbet

Wine: Claret

Music: Simply Red, “Stars” (East West America)

Frenchdressing

A French (some say British) dinner party tradition: At midnight couples discreetly leave the room, trade clothes with each other, and return to the party. Now, I’m a pretty liberal guy. but cross-dressing is not prominent among my list of fantasies. Nonetheless, for those of you who have “done it all,” I am assured that this makes for some pretty interesting conversation.

Music to Switch By: Various artists, “The Crying Game (Featuring Boy George)” (SBK Records) and/or “Original London Cast Soundtrack: The Rocky Horror Picture Show” (First Night Records).

Wine: Chances are you’ve had enough already.

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Ten Ways to Avoid Making Dessert

Chances are you will have seen all you want to of your kitchen by the time dessert rolls around. If your guests haven’t lavished you with homemade brownies or other delectable treats, whip out one of the following instantaneous crowd pleasers.

1. Frozen Ice Cream Treats

Old School: Fudgsicles, Orangsicles or Popsicles.

New School: Haagen Dazs, Ben & Jerry’s or Dove bars.

The Adventure Club: Flag down an ice cream truck and buy pop-ups, rockets, chocolate eclairs, etc.

2. Fortune Cookies

The Adventure Club: Pull out the fortunes with tweezers and replace them with your own prophecies.

3. Chocolate-Covered Espresso Beans

A low-fuss mocha latte.

4. Oreos & Milk

Bound to trigger fond childhood memories.

5. Chocolate Truffles

Not a calorie in sight!