LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on the Clinton/Yeltsin summit: “Between them, they’ve got more vices than a hardware store.”

* Adds Bob Mills: “The two leaders exchanged presents. Boris gave Bill an engraved sword from the Russian revolution, and Bill gave Boris a gift certificate to Betty Ford.”

Jay Leno, on Yeltsin pinching two female assistants last week: “Those poor Russian people. They have a president with low popularity and no foreign policy, and who can’t keep his hands off women. Well they wanted an American-style government, and they got it.”

Paul Steinberg, on Democrats and Republicans continuing to haggle over the federal government’s debt ceiling: “Why bother worrying about the ceiling when the whole roof is about to cave in?”

Argus Hamilton, on Wells Fargo trying to swallow First Interstate: “FI’s directors won’t budge until they see golden parachutes for senior management. And bank robberies used to be so simple.”

Jenny Church, on prosecutors refusing to return property taken when O.J. was arrested: “The D.A.’s office wants to keep the fake beard. Gil Garcetti will need a disguise to land his next job.”

* Adds Steve Tatham: “O.J. needs the beard back. For Halloween, he’s going as Judge Ito.”

Cutler, on the House Ethics Committee looking into conservative groups buying bulk copies of The Newt’s book: “Doesn’t Gingrich remember nailing former Speaker Jim Wright on something similar? Newt must be suffering from writer’s block.”

Tony Peyser, on the man who will spend 25-years-to-life in prison for stealing four cartons of cigarettes: “Alan Lee Stark was sentenced under California’s new ‘three Lucky Strikes and you’re out’ law.”

Joe Kevany, on scientists using lasers to correct nearsightedness: “But they admit that they are years away from correcting narrow-mindedness.”

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Take me out to the ballgame . . . Leno, on the World Series: “Who’d have thought 25 years ago that one day you’d see a liberal feminist, Jane Fonda, sitting next to her conservative millionaire husband, watching two teams with nicknames offensive to Native Americans, playing baseball in front of a sign advertising something called ‘Hooters.’ Boy, we have come a long way.”

* Adds Hamilton: “Atlanta has its reasons for keeping the Braves nickname and the ‘tomahawk chop.’ They take all the heat off the Confederate flag flying over the stadium parking lot.”

Cutler, on Atlanta hurler Greg Maddux: “His pitches cut more corners than a defense contractor.”

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Rialto reader Catherine Jones was removing her Size 10 Reeboks after a walk when grandson Drew, 2, picked one up. Obviously remembering a pair he used to wear, Drew said:

“Nana, I used to wear these shoes when they were little.”