LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Bob Mills, on Colin Powell passing up a run for the presidency: “The other candidates breathed a sigh of relief. Now they can go back to arguing about family values without voters being confused by someone who actually has them.”

Kenny Noble, on Tuesday’s off-year elections: “Voters turned out in record dribbles.”

Argus Hamilton, on federal lawmakers discussing campaign finance reform: “They all promised voters that they’d do something about special interest money. What they’ve decided to do is deposit it.”

Jenny Church, on the NFL Cleveland Browns’ impending move: “Under the rules, you can’t move unless there is a clear lack of support. So the Clinton Administration is also moving to Baltimore.”

* Adds Tony Peyser: “The letters NFL now refer to the length of time a football team will stay in any given city-- Not For Long. “

Gary Easley, on a Newsweek poll showing that two-thirds of Americans believe in the existence of Satan: “The rest either haven’t been through a tax audit or needed a lawyer.”

Jerry Perisho, on demolition experts bringing down the 31-story Landmark Hotel in Las Vegas on Tuesday: “Locals said they hadn’t seen anything implode and crash like that since Wayne Newton’s career.”

Jay Leno, on gossip about Marcia Clark and Christopher Darden: “They were spotted together at Harrah’s casino in Lake Tahoe. I guess they were doing pretty good at the poker table too. Then they lost it all when Johnnie Cochran showed up and played the race card.”

Leno, on Michael Jackson selling his Beatles publishing rights to Sony: “I can understand why he might need money. He is married now, that’s another mouth to feed. Not to mention another couple dozen mouths he needs to keep shut.”

Paul Ryan, on the frog allegedly found in the El Torito taco: “Even worse, another customer found Miss Piggy in a pork enchilada.”

Neal Leibowitz, on CBS’ ratings woes: “That latest blow came when network executives discovered that even the CBS ‘eye’ isn’t watching anymore.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on Duke University scientists saying that sperm may follow scent to find the egg: “Researchers say that if this could be altered, they could create a male contraceptive. But this is all premature speculation.”

Mills, on “Days of Our Lives” marking 30 years on the air: “During its remarkable run, the soap opera has gone through 124 actors, 97 actresses and 1,894 sets of bedsheets.”

Perisho, on opposing football players punching the Oregon State mascot, Benny the Beaver, during the last two games: “Want to keep college football players away from your mascot? Rename him Tommy the Tutor.”

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Last Nov. 11, Camarillo reader Barbara McHenry asked a 10-year-old neighbor girl why she was home from school. The girl replied:

“Because it is Veterinarian’s Day!”