He Wouldn’t Even Wish These New Jerseys on Nets

I got a big response this week after I wrote about some of the NBA’s new uniforms and arena floors, and how ugly they were. One woman wrote to say that she had seen more dignified uniforms on waitresses at Hooters’.

Another guy said the Houston Rockets’ new jerseys make them look like 12 street mimes.

Well, I wrote that column before getting a load of the new uniforms on the Seattle SuperSonics, the Atlanta Hawks and the Vancouver Grizzlies.

And, let me tell you, you think you’ve seen ugly?

You ain’t seen nothing yet.

NBA merchandise sales this winter won’t be going through the roof; they’ll be going through the floor. No self-respecting kid on any playground in America would be caught dead in these jerseys.

I had long known that the SuperSonics would be wearing new uniforms this season, which won’t help them win the first round of the playoffs, but that’s another story.

Anyway, when they came to the Forum other night, I thought a troupe of traveling circus acrobats had just hit town. George Karl and his Cirque d’Seattle.

I can’t even begin to describe them. All I can say is, these things wouldn’t look good on Cindy Crawford if she wore them down a runway.

Poor Shawn Kemp, is all I can say. It isn’t easy being 7 feet tall and going around dressed like a gigantic Space Needle.

I also got a look at the Atlanta Hawks, whose jerseys, I should mention here, have never been seen on anyone in any playground, including Atlanta’s.

Their new logo looks like a hood ornament. Nothing like wearing a hawk’s wingspan on your chest to make you look like a Marvel Comics creature.

Yuk. Jane Fonda wouldn’t work out in a leotard this hideous.

I know that NBA teams are hopeful that kids all over the world will be buying up their new merchandise in record numbers, wearing them up and down the hallways of schools and in malls. I personally have seen Laker, Knick, Magic and Bull jerseys on street corners from South Korea to Norway.

But there are only 12 human beings on Earth willing to wear an Atlanta Hawk uniform, and they are Atlanta Hawks.

Last but certainly least, the Vancouver Grizzles, one of the NBA’s new expansion teams, were on television the other night. It was the first time I had caught their act.

My eyes still haven’t adjusted.

The jerseys themselves are pretty bad. Talk about grisly. The team went for that simple, uncomplicated look. You know, like Elvis in his Vegas days.

And, speaking of Vegas, wait until you see the lining of Vancouver’s uniforms. The shoulder straps and shirts are bordered with a design that looks exactly like a cocktail waitress’ toga from Caesars Palace.

It’s sort of an Ancient Rome look. I don’t know if you can picture Benoit Benjamin at the charity stripe dressed like Charlton Heston in a chariot, but work on it.

Anyway, I mention this today because I think it’s time for the L.A. Clippers to come up with a new look for themselves.

This team needs a change. Something to make people sit up and take notice. Because after all these years, the Clippers are still wearing those same uniforms that resemble something from the 1952 Indiana High School State Tournament.

Last time I had lunch with Elgin Baylor and Bill Fitch of the Clippers, I respectfully pointed this out. Elgin told me it takes two years’ advance notice for a team to request and receive permission from the NBA to change its team insignia.

I only hope the Clippers use this time to come up with something attractive. Something classy.

The lettering on front could be all capitals, like the Celtics:

CLIPPERS.

Or all lower-case, like the Suns:

clippers

Or use weird punctuation, like the Magic:

Cl*pp*rs.

Or scramble the alphabet, like ESPN-2.

cLipPerS.

I’ll tell you this. Whatever the Clippers come up with, it has to be better than these rags we’ve been seeing.