LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Bob Mills, on the end of the budget deadlock: “Republicans agreed to use Congressional Budget Office figures to calculate cuts needed to balance the budget, while allowing Clinton to use the accounting department at MGM.”

Argus Hamilton, on the GOP presidential hopefuls debating last Friday in Florida: “During closing statements, all the candidates thanked their second wives and called for a restoration of family values.”

* Adds Mills: “Lamar Alexander completely blew the retiree vote when he promised an across-the-board tax on early-bird dinners.”

Richard Johnsrud, on a presidential Thanksgiving: “Hillary reports that the White House turkey has already been stuffed. Seems Bill snuck out again over the weekend to McDonald’s.”

Tony Lahood, on the reason The Newt is reportedly ruling out a presidential bid: “It was discovered that he has so much baggage, he keeps two full-time skycaps on his payroll.”

* Adds Cutler Daily Scoop: “Newt finally realized that even if he were ‘The American President,’ he’d never in a million years get Annette Bening.”

Jenny Church, on the IRS auditing the City of Los Angeles: “The IRS says it’s located the 5, the 405 and the 101, but still can’t find the 1040.”

Charlie Reinke, on Hollywood residents complaining that the new subway is not deep enough: “You can’t argue with them. Who would know more about shallowness than people in Hollywood?”

Tony Peyser, on Howard Stern’s publisher / editor claiming his writing reveals as much about the 1990s as Shakespeare’s does about the late 1500s. “Stern’s next book will be titled ‘King Leer.’ ”

Bill Maher, on the two women in China who spent 12 days in the same room with 888 snakes in an attempt to get in the “Guinness Book of World Records”: “They, of course, beat the previous record, held by Judge Ito.”

Maher, on the former Florida college professor who now leads the Islamic Jihad: “He is known in international circles as Carlos the Tenured.”

Alan Ray, on ABC running “The Beatles Anthology”: “In Part II, Paul remembers hearing the news of John’s tragedy. Ringo phoned to say that John had met this woman named Yoko.”

* Adds Peyser: “On Sunday, CBS brilliantly counterprogrammed Part I with a three-hour special about the Cowsills.”

Hamilton, on the asteroid named after the late Grateful Dead founder Jerry Garcia: “Nothing’s changed. It’s followed around by thousands of burned-out fragments just looking for a place to crash for the night.”

*

Calabasas reader Gladys Sturman bought a box of animal crackers for grandson Jonathan, 3. While he consumed them on the spot, she jokingly asked why he didn’t share them with his year-old brother.

“Oh, Grandma, this is junk food, “ he replied. “I would never give Daniel junk food.”