LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Alan Ray, on Thanksgiving leftovers: “Some things should be thrown out if they’ve sat around too long. Pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce, relatives.”

Argus Hamilton, on the deal to end the Bosnian civil war: “The parties agreed to use the standard U.S. blueprint: All soldiers get to take their guns home, and Kentucky remains a slave state.”

* Adds Cutler Daily Scoop: “The warring factions would have signed Roseanne to a singing contract if it meant getting out of Dayton.”

Bob Mills, on doctors keeping patients alive despite their wishes: “The study found that 57% of physicians insist that their dying patients remain hooked up to an ATM machine.”

Jay Leno, on Sen. Nancy Kassebaum not seeking reelection: “She says she’s already met enough men in Washington who have no brain, no heart and no courage, so she’s going back to Kansas.”

Tony Peyser, on the premiere of “Casino”: “LAPD Chief Willie L. Williams attended, but was disappointed that it was just a movie.”

Paul Ryan, on a public interest group labeling 18 toys as potentially hazardous: “The rest are just too expensive.”

Cutler, on a study showing that the U.S. military is promoting women more often: “The bad news is, the extra stripes make their arms look fatter.”

Jenny Church, on the guy who drank a bottle of Bud Lite that was tainted with cleaning fluid at the Van Nuys brewery: “He got a little sick, but at least there are no scuff marks on his liver.”

Kenny Noble, on the space probe Galileo nearing Jupiter: “Its tests revealed an atmosphere thick with noxious gases, acid rain and stifling temperatures. In other words, it’s just like August in L.A.”

Ray, on the makers of Miracle Ear settling a suit over deceptive commercials: “Their defense was a bit insensitive. They claimed none of their potential clients actually heard the ads.”

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Battle of the sexes, Act I . . . On their wedding night, a husband asks his bride: “Am I the first man you’ve ever been with?”

Answers his new wife: “Possibly. Were you in a Motel 6 in Cleveland in 1972?” (Gags Gang)

Act II: A man begs his unhappy wife to tell him what he can do to please her. He offers to buy her a sable coat or a new Rolls. She says no to both. Finally, she says she wants a divorce.

He thinks, then replies: “Well, I hadn’t planned to spend that much money.” (Frank Ferris)

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La Crescenta reader Julie Richardson says that when friends had a second child, their son Dennis, 5, was happy with his new sister, but disappointed she couldn’t talk. His mom explained that it would take a long time before the baby learned to speak. A still-puzzled Dennis then asked:

“Well, does she speak Spanish?”