LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

The Gloved One: Michael Jackson collapsed while rehearsing for an HBO special:

* “Doctors announced that Michael’s condition is stable--compared to LaToya.” (Jay Leno)

* “Doctors have just upgraded his condition from totally freaky to just plain weird.” (Stephanie Miller)

*

In the news: Brad Halpern, on a Galileo probe entering Jupiter’s atmosphere: “Employees at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory were so excited that they went out and splurged on new pocket protectors.”

* Adds Madison Monk: “The journey was only partly successful. The luggage ended up on Saturn.”

Bob Mills, on the House approving a plan to de-sex the Internet: “They are going too far requiring that all floppy disks wear a bra, and making it a felony for a PC user to download the words, ‘byte me.’ ”

Jenny Church, on the Newt’s new diet: “He’s eating lots of crow.”

Argus Hamilton, on Chris Darden’s movie deal: “Chris wants Eriq LaSalle of ‘ER’ to play him. Then LaSalle should study Johnnie Cochran. Nobody played Chris Darden like he did.”

* Adds Mills: “Darden is already taking liberties with the facts. In the screenplay, Gil Garcetti is his pool man.”

Cutler, on the new study that shows there are six days each month a woman can get pregnant: “That would be the six days no ballgames are on.”

Leno, on research showing that men who eat 10 pizzas a week are less likely to develop prostate cancer: “They are, however, more likely to develop Size 52 pants.”

Hamilton, on Kathie Lee Gifford at the national Christmas tree lighting: “The holiday season is the best time for her to sing. Nobody ever booed a Christmas carol.”

Paul Ryan, on Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People of 1995: “Let’s face it--anyone is fascinating sitting next to Barbara Walters.”

*

Wrong number: The FBI has arrested 277 people in a massive telemarketing fraud crackdown:

* “Allowing each suspect one call wasn’t such a good idea. One phoned a senior citizen at random and got him to turn over $175,000.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Experts say you should ignore anyone who calls you asking for money. When I was in college, it sure always worked for my mom.” (Cutler)

* “The scam took advantage of those with poor judgment. Among the victims, ironically, was the entire O.J. Simpson jury.” (Halpern)

*

Sky Forest reader Trini Marquez and daughter Marie were leaving a Ray Bradbury speech to aspiring writers when Marquez told the teenager: “You see? Didn’t he say all the things I’ve been telling you? Be curious! Be enthusiastic! Be . . . .” Marie suddenly interrupted:

“He also said not to take advice.”