LAUGH LINES : Punchlines
In the news: Jay Leno, on communists leading the Russian elections: “That $5 billion we lent them to get on the road to democracy was certainly money well spent. Imagine if we’d have wasted that dough fixing up our inner cites, how foolish we’d look now.”
* Adds Bob Mills: “According to latest returns, Boris Yeltsin’s party trails by about 80 proof.”
Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton vetoing a budget bill that would have funded the Department of Justice: “He used the same pen that Richard Nixon used to fire Archibald Cox.”
David Letterman, on what would happen if Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich and Clinton were locked in a room to solve the budget crisis: “Who would want to unlock the door?”
Paul Steinberg, on scientists finding a possible vaccine against the stimulating effects of cocaine: “Hey, we’ve had that for years. It’s called prison.”
Jenny Church, on a lawsuit charging an Orange County businessman with using inside information to buy an interest in a hamburger chain: “Inside information? Like what’s really in the meat?”
Jerry Perisho, on Marvel Comics joining with a bank to offer the Marvel MasterCard: “Cardholders get special offers on comic books. In next month’s issue, Spider-Man meets with Consumer Credit Counselors, then declares bankruptcy.”
Alan Ray, on Kato Kaelin appearing almost nude in the January Playgirl: “The editors found out what it takes to get him to unzip his pants. Instructions.”
Cutler Daily Scoop, on complaints that Mattel’s new Teacher Barbie does not have underwear: “The company will rename it ‘Basic Instinct’ Barbie.”
Betty Barnett, on the Pomona woman who saved the life of her pet mouse with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation: “Disney has put her on call in case EuroDisney has a relapse.”
Stan Kaplan, on two executives angrily resigning from a bagel company: “As a precaution, the owner changed the lox.”
*
Lights, camera, action . . . Leno, on a study revealing that half of high school and college students lack the most basic understanding of American history: “That’s good news for Oliver Stone. He’s got a new movie out.”
Cutler, on Nixon’s family blasting Stone’s movie, “Nixon,” as character assassination: “It must have taken a sharpshooter to hit such a tiny target. . . . Actually, a historical autopsy shows the wounds were self-inflicted.”
Mills, on the movie: “Stone debunks the ‘Single Dean’ theory, claiming to have proof that Nixon was also getting advice from Dean Martin.”
*
L.A. reader Thomas Syta’s daughter Carlene, 2 1/2, was pretending that two dolls were getting married, when her grandmother asked, “What do you say when you get married?” Replied Carlene:
“Trick or treat!”