And, now, we’re unveiling the Only in...

And, now, we’re unveiling the Only in L.A. Window ‘95:

It’s a product that contains some of the more unusual occurrences of the past year in the Southland (and is included at no extra charge in today’s newspaper). Window ’95 is simple to operate--just keep moving your eyes down the page:

DID HE USE THE I-AM-NOT-A-CROOK DEFENSE? West Hollywood police arrested a man who allegedly held up a bank while wearing a Richard Nixon mask.

WE DEFINITELY DON’T WANT YOUR BRAIN: When Mickey Mantle was awaiting a transplant, a possibly tipsy man phoned The Times’ Sports department and offered to donate his liver. “We didn’t have the heart to tell him that he needed to get into a fatal car accident before he could actually help the Mick,” said one editor.

NOT EVERYONE CAN BE GOOD WITH NUMBERS: The 1995 membership notice from the California Society of Certified Public Accountants listed amounts of $50 and $10 due--for a total of $70.

ECONOMIC INDICATORS: The Ninety Niners Discount Market in West L.A. held a going out of business sale at which all 99-cent items were offered for 89 cents.

GEE, IF YOU CAN’T BELIEVE THE TABLOIDS. . . . The National Examiner ran this banner headline: “Secret Jury Poll Reveals Surprise Verdict: O.J. Guilty.”

EVERYONE HAS STANDARDS: Asked if he had agreed to plead guilty to a charge of possessing cocaine, a defendant in a Compton courtroom indignantly told a judge, “I wouldn’t use that junk to save my life.” A quick recheck of his file revealed that he had been charged with possession of heroin. “OK,” the defendant said, agreeing to plead guilty.

A CAT WITH TWO LIVES: A woman took out an ad in a Santa Barbara newspaper for a pregnant feline, then called in a correction when she learned it was just a chubby male. Only part of her correction made it into print.

WAS THE JOKER RESPONSIBLE? Publishers Weekly wrote, “Our heartfelt apologies to former ‘Batman’ TV star Burt Ward for recently characterizing his upcoming tell-all, ‘Boy Wonder: My Life in Tights,’ as being ‘swishy’ when what we should have said was ‘dishy.’ (Despite the memoir’s provocative title, reliable sources insist that both Ward and the book are quite straight.) Sorry.”

HOLY LOUNGE LIZARD! Tori Matthews of the Southern California Humane Society dived into a Beverly Hills pool and pulled out an unconscious iguana, then revived it with mouth-to-nostril resuscitation. Matthews later acknowledged: “It was a pretty ugly animal to be kissing.”

MOST POLITICAL MOVIE MARQUEE: A Westside theater offered:

WILD BILL

AMERICAN PRESIDENT

MAYBE HE WANTED TO READ UP ON THE EIGHTH COMMANDMENT: A Downey newspaper reported that a man robbed a bicyclist of $12 and one Bible. The robber was not wearing a Nixon mask.

WE’RE AFRAID TO ASK WHAT HAPPENED TO ED MC MAHON: The Movieland Wax Museum in Buena Park revealed that Johnny Carson “now sports a different hairdo for his new role as an extra in the ‘Spartacus’ set.”

YOU MEAN WILD BILL? Glendale police stopped a man who was driving a National Guard armory’s missing Humvee vehicle. The driver explained: “President Clinton gave it to me. You do know who the president is.”