LAUGH LINES : PUNCHLINES

Bowled over: Recovering from a weekend of football, the Cutler Daily Scoop offers this bowl wrap-up:

* The pretzel bowl was emptied in the first quarter.

* The punch bowl had to be refilled at halftime.

* And Camilla Parker Bowles wants to marry Prince Charles.

Alex Pearlstein says everybody watched Nebraska in the Fiesta Bowl: “But then, ‘America’s Most Wanted’ always was a popular show.”

Adds Cutler, “Nebraska fans are really behind their team. In the stands, they do the crime wave.”

And furthermore, “You know how most teams break through a banner when they run onto the field? Nebraska breaks parole.” (Cutler)

Argus Hamilton says there was good news and bad news for Southern California football fans after the Rose Bowl. “The good news is, the USC Trojans won. The bad news? The school announced it is moving the team to Nashville.”

*

In the news . . . The president caught some heat for playing golf while many federal workers are still furloughed. Says Pearlstein, “A defensive Bill Clinton insisted he really was working. He was helping O.J. look for the real killer.”

Scientists have found a link between obesity and genes. Gary Easley says, “After a holiday pig-out, a person buys a pair of Levi’s the next size larger and says, ‘Hey, I don’t look so bad!’ ”

A newly discovered poem is believed to have been written by William Shakespeare. Says Alan Ray, “It was one of his early, sophomoric pieces: There once was a bard from Nantucket. . . . “

* Adds Joseph B. Vogel: “Experts believe it’s a hoax after reading the first line: If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

That 6-foot, 500-pound sphere that ushered in 1996 in Times Square was covered with 12,000 rhinestones. Says Jerry Perisho, “Elvis lives!”

The Postal Service reports that its top-selling stamps for 1995 were the Civil War series and Marilyn Monroe. Historically, the Civil War pitted brother against brother, notes Perisho. “Come to think of it, so did Marilyn Monroe.”

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And now a word from our sponsors: McDonald’s has brought back its 20-year-old advertising jingle. Says Paul Ryan, “It’s been sitting on the shelf even longer than their burger buns.”

Alex Kaseberg says Starkist is bringing back Charlie the Tuna. Morris the Cat is making a comeback for 9 Lives. “However, due to truth-in-advertising laws, Dunkin’ Donuts’ Fred the Baker is being replaced by Artie the Clogged Artery.”

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Reader Bobbi Kronowitz Rubinstein was explaining after-school classes to her first-grader, Alissa. Choices included Spanish, computer, art and a production of “The Wizard of Oz.” Asked if she thought she would enjoy the theater class, Alissa replied:

“Only if I can direct.”