‘90S FAMILY : New Baby Is a Lot for a Firstborn to Handle

As writer Nora Ephron so aptly put it, bringing home a baby is like tossing a small hand grenade into a house. If that’s so, then bringing a baby into a home that already has a tot can be like firing a Tomahawk Missile.

Gil Schmidt thought he had the situation under control. A marriage, family and child counselor, he’d thoroughly prepared 4-year-old Jessica for the arrival of her new brother--or so he thought. He and his wife, Kim, who live in Bakersfield, had included Jessica in baby preparations. She had helped paint the baby’s room, set up his clothes and picked out blankets.

Then came baby Steven. And shortly thereafter, Jessica decided he should go. While Steven was peacefully sleeping, Jessica took him out of his cradle, wrapped him in blankets and hid him under her bed. When his mother heard him cry, she followed the wails until she found him--and a sheepish Jessica.

“She’d mentioned a few times that she wished he would disappear, but we didn’t expect her to go to these lengths to regain her position on the throne,” says Gil Schmidt.

Such lengths, however, are not uncommon when an only child becomes an older child, says Jackie Rosenberg, a child development specialist who teaches Babies First Class in Sherman Oaks for mothers and babies to age 18 months. “Though every child handles the transition differently, an aftermath always ensues, usually in the form of regression, aggression or withdrawal.”

Although parents can play a big role in minimizing the fallout, they can also do a lot to make it worse. The most common mistake well-meaning parents and grandparents make is to emphasize how “big” the older child is, Rosenberg says.

With all the fuss and talk about the baby, older kids are quick to figure that being big isn’t such a great deal. That’s when older siblings go back to bottles, diapers and baby talk. They want to be babies too.

Rosenberg says you can minimize regression by downplaying the big and little and by calling the children by their names. “Say, ‘I think we need to change Megan’s diaper now,’ rather than ‘the baby’s diaper.’ ”

While regression can be frustrating, it’s normal, and most child-care experts advise letting the child slide a bit until he or she again feels secure and safe to grow up.

The bigger concern is aggression.

“Never leave a child age 2 to 4 alone with the baby because you can’t trust them with their feelings or impulses,” says Rosenberg, who also teaches classes for second-time moms. The aggression isn’t always obvious. It sometimes comes in the form of thinly disguised affection.

In Cyndi Hung’s case, the mock affection took the form of kisses that were a smack too hard. Her 3-year-old, Nicole, kissed her baby sister, Ingrid, so hard, the baby cried.

Although regression and aggression are the most overt reactions, a less obvious behavior bothers Rosenberg more: withdrawal. “I often hear mothers say, ‘Gee, Joey was so good. I never had any trouble with him. He would just go in his room while I nursed and play for hours.’ ” This child needs drawing out, holding and attention. He’s probably the type of child who really wants to please, but he’s hurting.

Beth Green of Encino says her daughter, Emily, who was 5 when the new baby arrived, chose a less peaceful form of withdrawal. “She was fine with the baby, but she ignored me completely for 2 1/2 weeks. She was furious with me.”

Just when parents think the damage may be irreparable, they can take solace in remembering the tremendous gift they’ve given their older child. “Younger siblings teach firstborns a lot,” Rosenberg says. “Older children learn that they are no longer the center of the universe, that they need to care for others and share.”

And even though 20 months after the birth of her brother Jessica still says she sometimes wishes her parents would take Steven back, she loves him deeply. “Last time we went to the pediatrician,” says the children’s mother, “Jessica was the first to cry when Steven had a shot.”