LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Sen. Bob Dole visited L.A. over the Martin Luther King Day weekend. Gov. Pete Wilson showed him all the illegal immigrants in the county jail, says Argus Hamilton. “And then the Republicans joined hands and sang ‘We Are Overrun.’ ”

George Bush told PBS he was sure, after the Gulf War, that Saddam Hussein would be overthrown by his own people. He now admits he miscalculated. Says Hamilton, “It was the right prediction but the wrong country.”

The widow and the mistress of France’s Francois Mitterand both attended his funeral. What’s the big deal? asks Joseph Vogel. “If Bill Clinton died tomorrow, Hillary would be there alongside hundreds of Flowers.”

A study by the National Cancer Institute reveals that children don’t naturally like vegetables:

* “Just figured this out? How is it a cure for cancer escapes these geniuses?” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “We should point out that the study was funded in part by the lobbying group Kids Against Cleaning Their Plates.” (Cutler)

* “When asked if they like okra, 17% said they prefer her to Sally Jessy Raphael.” (Bob Mills)

Boris Yeltsin may seek reelection this year. Alan Ray says some supporters are a little unnerved by his campaign song: “Happy Hours Are Here Again.”

Russ Myers swears he overheard this exchange on Rockingham Avenue in Brentwood:

“Why are you selling lemonade?”

“Because nobody’s buying O.J. anymore.”

Roseanne will return to TV next season as a single mom. Says Douglas Mortenson, “Ah, the wonders of liposuction.”

Supermodel Claudia Schiffer has a new fitness video. Jenny Church says most women who want to look like Schiffer will find that the most difficult part is the footwork--”Be a foot taller or it won’t work.”

Steve Tatham says a newly discovered poem by William Shakespeare sent studio heads on a mad dash to discover who his agent is.

A used car chain has announced its new “no-dicker” policy. Vogel says John Wayne Bobbitt is the obvious choice for corporate spokesman.

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Holy modem: On the founding of a Catholic diocese on the Internet by a former French bishop, Gary Easley observes:

* You can tell who the nuns are--they’re the ones with the black and white monitors.

* The Seven Deadly Sins have been amended to include unauthorized copying of software.

* “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned” has been replaced with “Reformat my hard drive, for I have downloaded corrupt data.”

* If the diocese is not sanctioned by the Vatican, it may have to break away and start a new denomination: Geek Orthodox.

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Reader Deedee Messana of Los Angeles asked her son Adam, 6, if he knew what items the Statue of Liberty is carrying.

“Sure!” he confidently replied. “An ice cream cone and her homework.”