Which Side Would Planet Hollywood Take?

Artist Doug Herman says the snippets we’ve been excerpting from sci-fi novels are all wrong about the next millennium. He sent us a photo of his vision of the future, a portrait on display in Yong’s Cafe in Santa Monica. The work depicts an invasion in the year 2001 by space aliens, who take 300 Angelenos as captives.

This raises a question for you, our devoted readers: Which 300 Angelenos would the space invaders want to study? OK, we’ll make it easier for you. Which 299? We all know who’d be No. 1 on their list:

Angelyne.

STRONG, SILENT TYPES: The other day The Times’ Mayrav Saar profiled a Sheriff’s Department crime-fighter known as Cardboard Kelly--a 6-foot-tall blown-up photo of Sgt. Kelly Matthews posted on the roof of a City of Industry store to discourage bad guys.

The department wasn’t worried about the publicity because, as one officer said, “most crooks don’t read the newspaper.” So, let’s salute some cop mannequins who have served elsewhere in the Southland.

* Officer Wax Works: The mustachioed mannequin, stationed in a car to deter speeders, stayed on the job with the Long Beach Police Department even after the bottom half of his torso was stolen. He may have been the innocent victim of the prankish rivalry between the city’s Police and Fire departments. Wax Works’ accident occurred after someone stole Zeep the Sheep, the front-lawn plaster mascot of one firehouse and painted the animal black and white.

* Officer Sandra Safety, a legless blonde Oceanside officer, can also sit for the entire day in a squad car without uttering a complaint (or taking a lunch break).

* Officer Les, a retired department store mannequin, found a second career occupying a worn-out squad car for the Los Angeles Police Department. Les has helped slow traffic at busy intersections for the West Bureau’s traffic squad, though he has struck some passersby as a bit stiff. “We’ve had some calls saying a guy’s dying in the car,” said one colleague.

THE GARBAGE SUPERHIGHWAY: AND THIS IS FISHY: Heal the Bay’s new poster, on bus shelters across the Southland, shows a choking fish reminding people that “every single cigarette you drop in the gutter goes straight to the ocean. And we end up swimming in it.”

miscelLAny We’ve come up with a name for the Seattle Seahawks should the team move here. It’s a name that would preserve part of the team’s maritime identity. And it’s a name that would give long overdue credit to some devoted football followers who never leave a game early; in fact, these spectators hang around long after everyone else has departed so they can swoop down and grab the scraps of food left behind.

We propose: L.A. Seagulls.