Punch Lines

In the news: British teen magazines say 13-year-old Prince William is the new heartthrob of teenage girls. Says Alan Ray, “His dad, Prince Charles, has been advising him about women: ‘Son, once you meet the right one, never tell your wife.’ ”

Bob Dole is trying to distance himself from the controversial Newt Gingrich. “No problem,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “First you grab a cookie, then you yell ‘fetch!’ . . .”

* Adds Jenny Church, “Gingrich visited the Los Angeles Zoo at the urging of his pollsters, since surveys show that he is seen as ‘uncaring’ or ‘insensitive’ by 85% of man-eating carnivores.”

At the Cannes Film Festival, the Golden Palm award went to “Secrets and Lies.” Says Cutler, “Yes, the Hillary Clinton story finally hit the big screen.”

Dole chased the good ol’ boy vote with a visit to a stock-car race in North Carolina. Says Argus Hamilton, “It is a thrilling sport. Until Texas eliminates the speed limit, it’s the fastest anybody is allowed to go with a beer between their legs.”

* Adds Cutler, “It’s fitting that he’d drive a Chevy, since his campaign is falling ‘Like a Rock.’ ”

In Texas, prison officials say they plan “culturally specific treatment programs” for their felons. Bill Williams translates: “This means they’ll feed the white guys and beat the black guys.”

A lonely Navy wife ran up $45,000 in calls to psychic hotlines. Says Paul Ryan, “They predicted she’d meet a tall, handsome stranger in a dark suit. He turned out to be a bill collector.”

Scientists are trying to genetically engineer pig hearts to be used in human beings. Says Gary Easley, “They’ll be transplanted into people whose hearts have gone bad from consuming too much bacon.”

In Fall River, Mass., kids who want to join youth athletic leagues must now undergo a criminal background check. Says Cutler, “If they don’t have a rap sheet, they can play in the local leagues. If they do have a record, they get a scholarship to Nebraska.”

Now comes “Jurassic Park--The Ride.” Says Bob Mills, “Riders are slowly lifted 1,000 feet into the air, where they’re allowed to leave the guest pod and romp in the huge pile of Steven Spielberg’s money.”

*

Hoop-la: For the fourth time, the NBA named Michael Jordan its Most Valuable Player for the season. Says Hamilton, “It was a clean sweep for the Chicago Bulls. Dennis Rodman was named Miss Congeniality.”

* Nah, says Alex Pearlstein, “Jordan is named MVP, Rodman was named UFO.”

The Philadelphia 76ers have won first pick in next month’s NBA draft. Says Ray, “The selection process will follow current league age rules. Any player chosen must be potty trained.”

*

Reader Noreen Taddiken of Manhattan Beach was talking about colleges with her 12-year-old grandson, a faithful surfer. He said he wants to attend UC Santa Barbara, which he has visited. Curious about his academic interests, Grandma asked, “What are you going to take?” He replied:

“My long board and my short board.”