Escape From . . . (You Fill in the Blank)

Snake is back, as the ads have been telling us for months, and there’s not much we can do about it, unless we want to pop into an adjoining theater at the megaplex showing “Fled,” and frankly, there’s just no way we’d do that.

“Escape From L.A.”--pardon us, “John Carpenter’s Escape From L.A.” (wouldn’t that have been “Memoirs of an Invisible Man”?)--is Snake’s latest vehicle. It returns us to a gruesome future, where the few homes of ours that still exist are hovels on an island purgatory wafting out in the Pacific, Azusa is beach-adjacent and the Disney Concert Hall and St. Vibiana’s still haven’t been built. On the other hand, prices for Laker tickets have probably gone down. But even we’ll admit that a tagline like “The crummy future is back” simply doesn’t have the same panache as the Snake line.

Assuming “Escape From L.A.” is a big hit, Snake (Kurt Russell, reprising his testosterone-laced rasp) will have to find some more geographical locations from which to escape. Helpful as ever, we humbly offer these possibly scenarios:

“John Carpenter’s Escape From Seattle”: Snake, like everyone else, takes a job with Microsoft and settles down in the city of grunge and java, only to find it a hideously overpopulated encampment run by a crazed computer Uberlord.

“John Carpenter’s Escape From Moscow”: Snake finds someone even more hard-living than he is--the Russian president--and they go on an epic bender, drinkin’ and fightin’ and womanizin’, culminating when a rebel force of disgruntled citizens tries to take over the country. Snake grabs a case of vodka and leaves the Russian leader to fend for himself.

“John Carpenter’s Escape From the Philippines”: Snake is enslaved at a sweatshop making clothes for an unctuous celebrity for mere pennies a day. Even more terrifying, the unctuous celebrity visits the sweatshop to apologize extravagantly, give everyone a tearful kiss and let everyone free.

“John Carpenter’s Escape From Hong Kong”: In this prequel to the series, Snake is a British diplomat preparing to leave as China takes over control from England in 1997. Before he exits, however, he snaps when someone makes fun of how silly his name is for a diplomat and leaves a trail of corpses behind him, establishing the reason for his antisocial behavior in all the other movies.

“John Carpenter’s Escape From New Orleans”: Snake lets rip with his peculiar brand of anarchy during Mardi Gras. Nobody notices.

“John Carpenter’s Escape From Toronto”: Snake stumbles into a large, cosmopolitan city with a low crime rate, efficient mass transit, a fair public health program and a polite citizenry. He leaves in disgust.

“James Ivory’s Escape From 18th Century London”: The director of opulent period pieces puts his own imprimatur on the film series when Snake is mysteriously transported back in time and blows away a bunch of idle society folks who do nothing but titter and matchmake and look down their noses at the lower classes.

“Michael Moore’s Escape From Las Vegas”: In this documentary entry to the series, Snake encounters a lot of garish and desperate characters in goofy outfits, like always, but instead of killing them he just lets them make fools of themselves on camera.

“Roman Polanski’s Escape From L.A.”: Write your own synopsis.

“Pat Buchanan’s Escape From San Diego”: A bile-spewing presidential candidate intent on making the grim scenarios in the “Escape From . . . “ movies a reality must find a way to gracefully remove himself from a large political party that has thoroughly shunned him, and while claiming some sort of moral victory in the process.

“John Carpenter’s Escape From Carpinteria”: Admittedly running on fumes creatively, Carpenter and Snake turn to the small town just south of Santa Barbara for bone-chilling adventure. In the future, see, Carpinteria has turned really bad. Worse than it is now, or so the joke will go. Nearby Summerland is pretty bad shakes, too. Snake books a flight out, but USAir won’t accept his frequent-flier miles. Mayhem ensues.