Punch Lines

Still scrambling to come up with that perfect Halloween costume? Paul Ecker suggests . . .

* The Dick Morris costume (go for the tricks, not the treats)

* The Ross Perot costume (preshrunk, looked better in ‘92)

* The JFK Jr. costume (sorry, no longer available)

* The Jack Kevorkian costume (it’s to die for)

* The Shannon Lucid costume (looks good in the Mir)

* The Joycelyn Elders costume (you’ll need a hand to get it on)

* The Heidi Fleiss costume (you have to call to reserve it)

* The Kato Kaelin costume (rents for free)

* The Mark Fuhrman costume (no lie, it’s unbelievable)

* The Johnnie Cochran costume (if it doesn’t fit, well, you know the rest)

* The Dennis Rodman costume (zipper on the front, and back)

* The Shaquille O’Neal costume (not selling too well, kinda lost its Magic)

* The Al Davis costume (includes luxury boxers)

* The Jim Carrey costume (comes with “Mask”)

* The Kramer costume (when trick-or-treating, no need to ring doorbells--just walk on in)

* The cast of “Friends” costume (wear this and reject all candy except $100,000 Bars)

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In the news: When trick-or-treaters show up, says Jenny Church, “Bob Dole and Jack Kemp plan to hand out lollipops--but they’re already licked.”

In response to outrage over shady donations, says Bob Mills, “President Clinton has vowed to ban the importation of cheap foreign-made campaign contributions--and to appoint Kathie Lee Gifford to enforce the new restrictions.”

Says Joe Dunn, “Dole has finally found a promise the Democrats can’t copy: If elected, he promised to pardon Bill Clinton.”

Speed demon Craig Breedlove crashed his jet-powered car at 675 mph. Says Church, “Engineers are calculating the upward trajectory of his insurance premiums.”

The Smithsonian Institution has hired Hollywood’s Creative Artists Agency to help with marketing. Says Alan Ray, “The museum rejected the agency’s first idea: Take some of the oldest relics and put them in infomercials.”

Atlanta nonbomber Richard Jewell reportedly has been offered a movie role. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “Certainly not in the remake of ‘Presumed Innocent.’ ”

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Reader Joel Olson of Duarte spent several hours over the course of two days with son Jonathan, 8, building a motorized Ferris wheel that used nearly every nut and bolt in their jumbo Erector Set. Finished at last, Dad threw the switch to set their creation in motion. He waited for squeals of delight. Instead, Jonathan stared for a moment, then in a bored voice declared:

“I thought this would be more gratifying.”