Punch Lines

Easy does it: To help avoid injuries, the surgeon general recommends that Americans exercise less vigorously and less often in 1997. Says Johnny Robish, “In a dramatic display of patriotism, millions of Americans have pledged to do their part.”

* Adds Jerry Perisho, “To get any less exercise than I get now, I’d have to hire an aide to pop my beer tops, trim my toenails and flip the channels for me.”

Research found that exercise is a good way to alleviate insomnia among older adults. Says Alex Pearlstein, “This is great. It used to be that the only reliable way to get 40 winks was to sit across from Bob Packwood at dinner.”

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In the news: The new TV ratings have gone into effect. Says Alan Ray, “It’s an important milestone in American culture. Parents can now better choose which program to leave their children with.”

* Adds Steve Tatham, “Their effectiveness will be limited because the ratings suggest minimum ages, not IQs.”

The Clintons enjoyed their renaissance weekend in South Carolina. “They stayed in a two-story beach cottage,” says Argus Hamilton. “One story they told the voters, and one story they’ll tell the judge.”

The House ethics probe of Newt Gingrich continues. Says Brian J. Hill, “Newt should look at the bright side: If this keeps up, he can always become Speaker of the Big House.”

New Year’s revelers left some 30,000 tons of trash in Times Square. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “New York plans to recycle the garbage as tabloid newspapers.”

Doubletree Hotels will buy Renaissance Hotels for $830 million. Says Ray, “It was only supposed to cost $730 million, but during the negotiations the buyers made a couple of local phone calls.”

Oscar Mayer is recalling some of its hot dogs because they may be undercooked. Says Paul Ryan, “But they’re smart. They plan to peddle the recalled franks in Japan as ‘wiener sushi.’ ”

Have you seen that new GM ad, the one that goes, “If you’ve been away from American cars and trucks for a while, the people of General Motors have something to show you”? Says Ryan, “Yeah, their pink slips.”

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan proposed marriage to NBC reporter Andrea Mitchell. They’ve been dating for 12 years. Says Hamilton, “Her mother always told her that it’s just as easy to fall in love with a man who controls the world’s money supply as it is to fall in love with one who doesn’t.”

* Adds Perisho, “He felt they needed to spice up their relationship. Apparently, his ‘robust inflationary movement’ of the ‘80s had deteriorated to ‘lackluster trickle-down stagflation.’ ”

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Reader Joe T. Lopez of Bellflower was signing his new Visa card, which has a thumbnail-size photo of him on it. Granddaughter Erin, 4, pointed to the tiny picture and asked:

“Is that you when you were little, Grandpa?”