Act Now, and Get a Deal on Some Palm Trees

With the Dodgers up for grabs, it occurs to us that the L.A. area could hold a little garage sale to fill its own sadly lacking coffers.

Here, Life & Style’s offbeat classified ads of stuff that could bring in the bucks.

Cash only. Will haggle.

AIRPORT Named for a Star! Small, quaint. Quiet, friendly neighborhood. Ideally located in Orange County. EZ on/EZ off freeway.

BOAT Royals dined, slept, danced here! Very big w/ lots and lots of rooms and tons and tons of tonnage. Possibly haunted. Has been in wet storage for eons. Will go halfsies on towing from Long Beach.

CHURCH Downtown, spacious, very high ceilings. Needs TLC. Perfect for home improvement types. EZ income rental for weddings, baptisms and quincean~eras. Insured buyers only.

COLISEUM Perfect fixer-upper. Will throw in naked statues for $199 each. No offer refused.

DOGS Males, answer to name “Kings.” Don’t bite, don’t bark. Perfect as pets / horrible as hockey team. Looking for suitable home w/ basement to match NHL standings.

FAULTLINE San Andreas Fault is a bargain for cities contemplating urban renewal or small countries unable to afford B-1 bombers. Buyer responsible for pickup and delivery. Them’s the breaks.

FORMER AGENT / STUDIO EXEC Creative artist type. $90 million / OBO above that. Not negotiable. No Mickey Mouse players, please.

HISTORIC MISSIONS Location! Location! North America’s first chain, Pre-Taco Bell structures. Ideal for fast food, theaters, carwash.

RIVER Southern California’s finest. Dry most of year. Small overflow problem in rainy season. Great site for water park. Hurry before Tom Hayden snaps it up.

SAND Nature’s most versatile product. Use for flood control, cement making, door stops, playgrounds. Build your own castle. Unlimited supply.

SMOG Unique cloud cover keeps out sun’s damaging UV rays. Exclusive formula available nowhere else.

TRAIN SET Incomplete, but will throw in existing cars, track, platforms and construction kit. Call Metropolitan Transit Authority before the ground, uh, price, sinks any lower.

--Compiled by BETTIJANE LEVINE