Punch Lines

NFL Notes: The Green Bay Packers beat the expansion Carolina Panthers for the NFC title, 30-13. “Green Bay’s victory was expected. They had the home tundra advantage.” (The Daily Scoop)

* “Judging by how much Green Bay scored against Carolina, maybe we should start calling them the Packwoods.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “The over / under for this year’s Super Bowl is 176. That’s not for points scored; it’s the number of commercials during the telecast.” (Russ Myers)

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The Literary Scene: Dick Morris’ book, “Behind the Oval Office: Winning the Presidency in the ‘90s,” is out. “Morris says President Clinton let him decide everything from vacations to the state of the union. Dammit, that’s Hillary’s job.” (Daily Scoop)

* The book also says Clinton was really nervous about Colin Powell running. “In another startling revelation, Morris reveals that hookers only pretend to enjoy sex.” (Daily Scoop)

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Apres le deluge: “The CHP reported 230 accidents in San Diego after heavy rain. Proving once again,” says Alex Kaseberg, “that in California red means ‘stop,’ green means ‘go,’ yellow means ‘speed up,’ and rain means ‘floor it.’ ”

Northern California is cleaning up after the flooding. Says Alan Ray, “Real estate agents in Yuba City are trying to put a positive spin at home showings: ‘The fourth bedroom could also be used as a pool.’ ”

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In the news: Photos of bare-breasted riders on the Splash Mountain ride at Disneyland have appeared on the Internet. “No wonder the dwarfs are whistling while they work.” (Daily Scoop)

“There were 29% fewer suits against the airlines this month. Of course, there are 29% fewer airlines.” (Paul Ryan)

Medical researchers in London say men expend more energy every day than women do. “I can see how that would happen,” says Jay Leno. “Like when a woman puts clothes in the hamper, she picks them up and throws them in there. But a guy will pick them up, roll them in a ball, do that whole thing. . . . ‘He shoots! It’s good!’ ”

Stone Temple Pilots singer Scott Weiland is back in rehab. Premiere Morning Sickness observes, “Weiland is such a frequent guest the cafeteria has named a sandwich after him and they’ve offered him a time share.”

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Reader Steve Demchak says his neighbor’s sister enrolled her twin daughters Korie and Kourtnie in a swimming program when they were 18 months old. After repeatedly dunking their faces in the water to blow bubbles, the instructor lifted Kourtnie and asked, “Wasn’t that fun? What do you say?”

Spitting water and with a cold stare, Kourtnie replied, “Thank you.”