Punch Lines

In the News: The Los Angeles City Council voted funding for a new sports arena for downtown Los Angeles. “Now they’re going to start a PR campaign to notify L.A. residents of where downtown is,” says Steve Tatham.

President Clinton has proposed a bailout of the crumbling District of Columbia. Notes Bob Mills, “Crime and disrepair have become so rampant, the symbol on the D.C. license plate is a chalk body outline on a field of potholes.”

Five customers are suing America Online alleging the company’s new pricing policy has made logging on to AOL almost impossible. “The final straw was when they called the company to complain and the hold music was “The Best of Michael Bolton.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “The case could last several years,” says Alan Ray. “Lawyers will seek depositions from technical support services over the phone.”

The U.S. Postal Service delivered a record 182.7 billion pieces of mail in 1996. Plans for doubling service are in the works for ’97. “They hope to open one more window.” (Ray)

Thousand Oaks has been chosen as the site for the new Club Disney theme park. “Highlight will be the Golden Parachute ride in which visitors help departing Disney execs pick out their retirement packages.” (Mills)

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Show Biz: The “Get Real” survey on Smirnoff’s Web site declared Kathie Lee Gifford the most pretentious celebrity. “Congratulations, Kathie Lee,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “The competition this year is particularly tough.”

Theaters will use flashing strobes to simulate lightning during trailers for the sequel to “Jurassic Park.” “After the film is released, banks will simulate the sound of Steven Spielberg’s grosses being deposited,” says Mills.

Michael Jackson is house hunting in Scotland. “He’s also trying to buy the Loch Ness monster for his collection.” (Paul Steinberg)

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Science Beat: “Scientists believe they have found conclusive proof of the existence of black holes--massive gravity fields that suck up everything around them and from which nothing can escape, not even light. They are now checking to be sure they were not pointing the Hubble telescope at Washington, D.C.” (Gary Easley)

Astronomers at UC Berkeley say they may have identified the material inside the mysterious clouds moving around the Milky Way. “It’s either remnants from the big bang or it’s cocoa butter and soy lecithin mixed with an emulsifier,” says Jerry Perisho.

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Reader Larry Lasseter watched his son try to color during a turbulent flight to Hawaii. Later he took 5-year-old Andrew to a Honolulu art gallery and stood back while the child chatted with a painter about his displayed works. He overheard Andrew earnestly ask:

“How do you stay in the lines so good?”