It’s Easy to Choose Wiener in This One

Here were the choices Thursday: 9 a.m. the Green Bay Packers; 11 a.m. the New England Patriots; 3 p.m. the Oscar Mayer Blues Brothers Bash Halftime Show Press Conference.

Well, that’s not telling the whole story.

At 9 a.m. you could get free coffee, free juice and a one-on-one chat with 200 other reporters with Brett Favre. At 11 a.m. you could get free coffee, free juice, free fried fat covered with powdered sugar--otherwise known around here as bayonets, beignets or something like that--and a chance to be insulted by Bill Parcells.

At 3 p.m. you could get your very own Wienermobile whistle.

It was not a tough decision, although there are three editors now wanting to know if there are any extra Wienermobile whistles to be had.

Who cares what the football players had to say? Favre said the same thing Thursday that he had said Wednesday a day after saying it Tuesday after being asked the same thing Monday following his talk with the media Sunday night.

Did you know the Wiener Jingle first aired as a radio ditty on a Houston station in 1963? That’s more interesting than anything gleaned in five days of interviews with both teams.

But that’s why they have these kinds of news conferences all day long, every day at the Super Bowl. Facts are facts, and 800 million people in 160 countries are going to watch the Super Bowl just to see the commercials and the halftime show.

At the 3 p.m. Oscar Mayer Blues Brothers Bash Halftime Show Press Conference there were free hot dogs, a dance by five young women who later declined to be interviewed despite repeated requests, a preview of the “Wieners Across America” commercial to air Sunday--a good time for that bathroom break--and an opportunity to swap stories with the Blues Brothers, the Godfather of Soul and ZZ Top, and if they played for Parcells he’d demand haircuts and shaved beards.

Lynn Swann, the former Pittsburgh Steeler, was there too. Don’t know why; didn’t spot him making a move for a free hot dog, and he doesn’t look like the kind of guy to hang around with ZZ Top.

Anyway, James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, was wearing black gloves until someone advised him he wasn’t in Green Bay, and with a very hoarse voice he screamed into the microphone, “I feel good.”

This drew a lot of applause, and then a string of nobodies stepped to the microphone to thank a bunch of corporate vice presidents nobody ever heard of, and did you know that yellow mustard dripping all over a notebook can get really messy?

Neil Austrian, NFL president, appearing a little out of place, delivered a $100,000 check to the House of Blues International on stage, including $15,000 to some kind of John Belushi charity, and a bunch of photographers jumped up to take a picture, and then Austrian slipped out the back door. Literally slipped out the back door.

The Blues Brothers--Elwood, Brother Zee and Mighty Mack--didn’t notice; they were playing with the toy Wienermobiles, complete with black hat and shades, they had each been given. Elwood put a Cheesehead on top of his black hat and then the Wienermobile on top of the Cheesehead, and there’s a picture that will appear in someone’s newspaper today.

“I’d like to thank the sheriff and the New Orleans Parish Prison for once again housing me and giving me three squares,” said John Goodman, one of the Blues Brothers, and while Joe Namath was down the hall waxing poetic about some Super Bowl played eons ago, this was “King Ralph.”

“Right now I’m in love with Favre,” said Goodman, which should come as a shock to Roseanne. “Who do I think will win? The team with more points at the end of the game. I think the Packers are going to win it; I just want to see what happens with the spread.”

James Belushi said, “I think the Patriots are going to get killed,” and you can bet his next movie will be banned in Boston.

The Godfather of Soul, meanwhile, was rapping about love and kids and a way to make the world a better place, but by this time they were giving away free Wienermobile baseball caps at the door. The Godfather of Soul’s Super Bowl prediction or get three of those caps to keep the editors happy?

No contest.