Punch Lines

Show Biz Update: The American Music Awards were held at L.A.’s Shrine Auditorium. “Motley Crue barely edged out 2Pac for the Dan Quayle Spelling Award,” says Bob Mills.

Pat Boone’s new heavy metal album is out. “He is even making some changes in his Vegas act. Reportedly, halfway through the show, he’ll bite the head off a live gummy bear,” says Alex Pearlstein.”

* “In related news, the temperature in hell has dropped below freezing.” (The Cutler Daily Scoop)

Fortune magazine reports that 65 million U.S. homes have cable TV. “Another 65 million are still waiting for the cable guy,” says Brian J. Hill.

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Post-Mortem: “When you see those cheese-heads, it kind of makes you glad the town that makes Spam doesn’t have an NFL team,” says Jay Leno.

* Oliver Stone reportedly will do a movie about the NFL. “Stone says the NFC’s dominance of the Super Bowl is the result of a government conspiracy.” (Daily Scoop)

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In the News: American Express plans to lay off 3,000 workers. “Workers will know the company has eliminated their jobs when they get a pink slip that says, ‘Don’t Leave Home.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

The Internal Revenue Service may turn to outside computer companies to build and operate systems to read incoming tax returns. “Tentatively, the new system will be called Jump Out of Windows97,” says Pearlstein.

The New Yorker says donors who gave $250,000 got a day at the White House, a swim in the pool and a barbecue with the Clintons. “Also, for $5, the president played requests on his saxophone. For $100, he didn’t.” (Argus Hamilton)

House Speaker Newt Gingrich held a town hall meeting in his Georgia district. Says Hamilton: “He’s paying a $300,000 fine to keep his $170,000 a year job, which cost him $6 million to get. All so he can reform government spending.”

* “The final ethics violation came when Gingrich tried to get the money to pay the fine from the House petty cash drawer.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

“Concern is rising over the fate of Hong Kong this summer,” says Hamilton. “A lot of people fear that ethnic hatred, civil war and widespread corruption will break out after Great Britain leaves. Of course, we only have America to go by.”

Archeologists have discovered the existence of an ancient frankincense trail in the Middle East. “In a related story, researchers in Romania have found a mountain path believed to be the Frankenstein trail.” (Joshua Sostrin)

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Reader Doug Macdonald was a substitute teacher in a local kindergarten class when a well-behaved 5-year-old came up and sat in a chair beside him. “You’re Paul, aren’t you?” Macdonald asked. “Yes,” the child replied, paused and then said:

“My mother named me that when I was very young.”