He’s Being Put to the Test by the County, and Vice Versa

Matt Raabe is:

A) Guitarist for the Orange County rock band No Doubt.

B) The pitcher the Angels acquired from Kansas City for Chili Davis.

C) A member of the Mission Viejo Nadadores swim team and world-record holder in the 200-meter backstroke.

D) Some guy involved in the Orange County bankruptcy.

His last name is pronounced:

A) ROB

B) ROB ee

C) RAY be

D) Ruh BAY

If you answered (D) and (C), respectively, congratulations. Unless I miss my guess, you’re in an elite group. If more than one out of 10 Orange County residents knows Raabe by name, I’ll eat my hat. But that will soon be tested by Raabe’s lawyers, who want to find out if the former assistant treasurer’s name recognition is such that he cannot get a fair trial in Orange County.

What’s that? You didn’t know he had a trial coming up?

Uh, yeah, he does.

What’s that? You don’t even remember the bankruptcy?

Uh, yeah, we had one a couple years ago. Nearly ruined the county, but now it’s considered one of the best places in the country to live. You figure it out.

Anyway, remember me telling you some time back that no matter what seems to happen in Orange County’s bankruptcy-related legal affairs, you pay for it? Here we go again. Because Raabe’s legal defense is being paid by the county, you’ll be paying to find out not only if you know who Matt Raabe is but whether you could be fair to him as a juror.

No, screaming will not help.

All I can do is save you some time if the pollster calls. They want to find out how much you know about Raabe, so the questions probably will look something like this:

Mr. Raabe’s role in the Orange County bankruptcy was:

A) To mastermind the scam that led to the county’s investment portfolio’s demise.

B) To dutifully follow the investment strategy of the treasurer, Robert Citron, no matter how risky.

C) To procure Mr. Citron’s turquoise jewelry from area swap meets.

D) To drive the getaway car.

Two months after bankruptcy was declared, Mr. Raabe was fired by then-county CEO William Popejoy for:

A) Not saluting.

B) Regularly taking up two parking spaces in the county garage.

C) His alleged involvement in misallocating county funds.

D) Wearing striped shirts with checked pants to work.

Before becoming assistant treasurer, Mr. Raabe’s occupation was:

A) Human cannonball.

B) Three-card monte dealer.

C) Trapeze artist.

D) Auditor for the county.

In 1995, Mr. Raabe angered a state Senate committee investigating the bankruptcy because he:

A) Initially ducked the committee’s subpoena.

B) Whistled constantly during his testimony.

C) Wore a pillbox hat with a live canary on it.

D) Answered every question with, “What bankruptcy?”

After his firing in 1995, Raabe surprised friends and associates by:

A) Getting religion.

B) Challenging Popejoy to a “winner-take-all” table tennis match.

C) Only answering to the name “Mordecai.”

D) Telling the cops, “You’ll never take me alive!”

The most damning evidence against Mr. Raabe at trial is expected to be:

A) Mr. Citron’s testimony.

B) Mr. Raabe’s testimony.

C) Mr. Rubino’s testimony.

D) Aretha Franklin’s testimony.

By choosing to contest the charges instead of pleading guilty--as did Citron--Raabe faces a stiffer sentence if convicted, because:

A) Going to trial costs the taxpayers more money.

B) Prosecutors may be embarrassed, as in the Ron Rubino trial, and want to take it out on Raabe.

C) Some judges are like that.

D) Of no good reason whatsoever.

If he beats the rap, Raabe has said he likely will:

A) Try to return to county government.

B) Let his sideburns grow really long.

C) “Work like a dog” to pay back the county for his legal expenses.

D) Change his name to Orenthal James Raabe.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.