Punch Lines

That L.A. Spirit: “My wife and I went to see ‘Volcano,’ ” says Jay Leno. “Please, is anybody here scared of a volcano? Come on, we live in L.A. We’ve got earthquakes, fires, killer bees, suicide cults, people castrating themselves, gangs shooting at each other. Are we gonna be scared of a couple of hot rocks rolling down a hill? I don’t think so.”

* “You knew it was fiction,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “A disaster occurs and nobody says, ‘Well, at least it wasn’t the Big One.’ ”

* “Audiences were first wowed, then sickened by the lava’s eerie resemblance to movie nacho cheese sauce.” (Alex Pearlstein)

“It’s amazing what grows in L.A.” is the city’s new motto. “L.A.’s old-timers call it smog fungus,” says Bob Mills.

“Southern California has been hit by a series of aftershocks to the deadly Northridge earthquake of 1994,” says Dan Goodman. “Experts at Caltech said there may be even more aftershocks. . . . Then again, there may not be.”

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That Volunteer Spirit: Former presidents Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford and George Bush joined President Clinton at the Summit for America’s Future in Philadelphia. “Kind of looked like the Kmart version of Mt. Rushmore.” (Leno)

* “Overheard in the crowd: ‘Who are those guys with Colin Powell?’ ” (Daily Scoop)

* The presidents demonstrated voluntarism in cleaning up neighborhoods. “They worked well together,” says Jim Shaughnessy. “Carter and Bush put up the housing and Clinton rented out the rooms.”

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Elsewhere in Government: An independent study of the proposed $5.3-billion bullet train linking Miami, Orlando and Tampa concluded the system will cost more, carry few passengers and lose money. True, counter Florida officials. “But it will do it faster than any train in the U.S. ever has before.” (The Funny Firm)

The National Transportation Safety Board is expected to approve a plan to allow people to shut off their air bags. “We already have a plan like that, don’t we?” says Jerry Perisho. “It’s called term limits.”

Truck driver Ronald D. Loy dumped his cargo of Army missiles when his employer wouldn’t advance him $500. “Loy’s obviously a few warheads short of a payload,” observes the Daily Scoop.

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It’s Finally Here: “Ellen comes out tonight,” says Alex Pearlstein. “There hasn’t been this much fuss about a sexual awakening since Alf found himself alone with that oven mitt.”

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Reader Brad Fox of Rancho Palos Verdes overheard his daughter telling his 5-year-old grandson, Brady, that the door to his room was about 5 feet wide. After a slight pause, Brady asked:

“How many toes would that be?”