Punch Lines

Good Morning: “It’s Monday, May 5. And Ellen is still gay.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Celebs in the News: Actor Martin Sheen was arrested last week with seven other protesters for blocking the entrance to a strawberry farm. “If Martin Sheen keeps this up, he’ll have a rap sheet longer than, say . . . Charlie Sheen,” says the Funny Firm.

“Larry King has bought his latest girlfriend a ring,” says Alan Ray. “He gave her his standard wedding proposal--’Got a minute?’ ”

“Dennis Rodman’s new book says he wants to legally change his name to ‘Orgasm,’ ” says Jay Leno. “His last name will be, ‘Look, I’ll Call You Sometime.’ ”

Boxer Riddick Bowes has retired. “He will produce a TV show about his career in the Marines--’Sixty Minutes.’ ” (Ray)

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Dateline Washington: The FDR memorial was dedicated. “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself . . . and the PC police,” says the Daily Scoop.

* “Opposing factions couldn’t agree on whether the four-term president should be depicted in a wheelchair, so they compromised. He’s on a skateboard.” (Bob Mills)

Bob Dole’s dog, Leader, is being paid $5,000 to appear in Ralston Purina’s calendar of celebrity dogs. “Newt Gingrich immediately borrowed the money.” (Jerry Perisho)

“Bob Dole started his new job at a Washington law firm,” says Leno. “How does that work, anyway? When you start a new job at 73, what are you--two, three weeks away from retirement?”

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Around the Country: Houston Intercontinental Airport has been renamed after George Bush. “And you wouldn’t believe what secret George revealed when he accidentally turned on the microphone.” (Daily Scoop)

The White House declared California’s coho salmon endangered, but refused to give the same protection to Oregon’s coho salmon. “They are the same fish except that the California coho’s teeth are capped,” (Argus Hamilton)

“A rancher outside Roswell, N.M., will allow UFO fans to camp on his land where they believe an alien spaceship was seen. It will cost $90 per night and 2,000 people are expected,” says Perisho. “You can fling glow-in-the dark Frisbees over your cow pastures and make a lot of money.”

California is considering repeal of its motorcycle helmet law. Says Bill Maher, “If you have the right to smoke, eat red meat and fly Continental, you should have the right not to wear a motorcycle helmet.”

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Reader Bette Napoli Harris of Los Angeles says that on a recent trip, she explained to her 2 1/2-year-old son, Michael, that they were in Boston. “Boston,” he parroted. On Day 2 in Boston, she asked him, “Do you know where we are?”

“Right here,” he replied.