Punch Lines

Talk show host Larry King said he would get married over the weekend. “It’s his seventh,” says Argus Hamilton. “This is getting expensive. No sooner does he realize that it’s time to settle down than it’s already time to settle up.”

* “He reportedly proposed to her in French--’Deja vu.’ ” (Alan Ray)

* “He planned a small wedding using leftover cake.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “He said he won over his young bride with Gummi Bears,” says Jay Leno, “which is not unusual. It worked for Michael Kennedy and Woody Allen.”

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Cirque du O.J.: O.J. Simpson testified in a Santa Monica court that he doesn’t know the whereabouts of his Heisman Trophy and other items. “Uh, oh,” says Alex Pearlstein. “Get ready for the search for the real Heisman.”

* “O.J. is compiling these declarations of ignorance for his next book, ‘I Don’t Want to Tell You.’ ” (Joshua Sostrin)

Former O.J. prosecutor Marcia Clark will make millions from her book despite losing the case. “The forward was written by Michael Ovitz,” says Alex Kaseberg.

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In the News: “A new study says marijuana does not make a good medicine,” says Ray. “It took years for scientists to reach this conclusion. But no one in the test group seemed to mind.”

The space shuttle Atlantis docked safely alongside the Russian space station Mir. “The bad news . . . so did a Continental Airlines jet bound for Atlanta.” (Steve Voldseth)

Coffee futures have hit their highest level in three years. “I know from experience coffee is getting expensive,” says Mark Wheeler. “I just closed escrow on a Starbucks cappuccino yesterday.”

“George Steinbrenner is disgusted over his suspension from baseball’s executive council,” says Ray. “If he wanted to be pushed around by a bunch of elitist ego-driven billionaires, he’d become a manager.”

The Amtrak train from L.A. to Vegas is ceasing operations, says Bob Harris. “However, it will likely be replaced with a luxury bullet train where you can gamble right on board, which will save a lot of time. You can lose all your money on the way and start sleeping in the train station as soon as you arrive.”

Reader Bernardina Guichard of Huntington Beach was trying to persuade her 4-year-old daughter, Sarah, to try the bean soup she had made for dinner, but Sarah refused. “You wouldn’t make a very good vegetarian,” Guichard told her daughter.

“Mommy,” said Sarah, “I already told you I am going to be a ballerina.”